Hey Everyone! It’s me, Ellis! And last night I watched the movie ‘The Perks of Being a Wallflower,’ which is also a book, and it made my heart all gooey and stuff. I don’t remember the last time a movie made me cry so much, but at least they weren’t all crummy tears. Some of them were good tears too.
So there was a line in the movie where the Paul Rudd character, whom I love from Ant-Man, gets asked the question “Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?” and he responds “Well, we accept the love we think we deserve.” And boy, oh boy, did that send me on a tear fest down a rabbit hole, chasing some old feelings that I thought I left behind me.
I wasn’t thinking crummy things about myself really, but I did start thinking about the first person I started dating when I arrived here on Earth, and how I was treated, and what I accepted for the sake of being in a relationship and wanting to be loved soooooooo badly!
The person I was dating was not being nice to me at all. It was like they could do whatever they wanted, but when it came to me, it was another set of rules completely. And I was being pushed and pulled in every direction, and yes, I did start to think crummy things about myself. But I didn’t let that stop me from letting it continue because, well, this may not make sense to you, but it may for some……it felt comfortable.
And I didn’t know that it felt comfortable either. I mean, I was new to letting all my feelings out and stuff like that, so I wasn’t aware of it I guess.
It wasn’t until Laurel Leaside found me crying in the bathroom at the office one day, cause she heard a funny noise sitting at her desk that she never heard before. And yes, I make a funny noise when I cry. Laurel tells me it’s cute and I believe her because she’s only honest with me and I love her for that. Anyway, she made me open the door, and she found me in my own pool of tears, and she asked me lots of questions, really good questions too. Like deep ones that you could feel all the way in your bones and stuff.
One of the things we got talking about was how I was treated on my home planet by my family and friends, and how that treatment became what I was used to. So when I came to Earth, I started dating the type of person that treated me the same way, and by the same way, I mean, not good. And even though I knew it was yucky feeling, it’s still a feeling I knew, so I put up with it, just like I did at home.
And then I talked about the most foreign thing to me…. which is being in a relationship with someone who treats my feelings with respect. It feels sooooo uncomfy to me and I was scared feeling that way, which I know sounds strange, but it’s true. It’s scary to feel feelings and comfort from something you don’t know well. It’s a change and change is scary sometimes, even if it’s a good change.
I was ‘accepting the love I thought I deserved’ because I only thought crummy things about myself, and that was because that’s all I was ever taught. And that’s why the movie hit me directly in the center of my heart and had me crying soooooooo much. Because it reminded me of the pain and the change that I’m making, and how scary it all is, and how hard I’m trying to make that change, and how I don’t want to be crummy anymore. And it’s a struggle, but it’s a struggle I’m winning. Not every day though, but that’s okay. Two steps forward, one step back they say.
So go watch the ‘ The Perks of Being a Wallflower’ and remember that line, and there are so many more good ones too. It’s sooooooooo amazing.
Love Always, Ellis
If you or a loved one you know battles with Trust, Self Esteem, Anxiety, Depression or any other Mental Health Issues like our beloved Ellis, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.