Bipolar Love Obsession

Posted by Bobby Jenkins | Oct 3, 2018 | Bipolar Disorder, Bobby Jenkins: The Diary of a Bipolar Bear, Identity, Relationships | 0 |
Dear Diary,
Fucking Javier.
I’m probably in love with him. I over analyze every little thing he does. He can change my mood- dramatically- in either direction. I always want him to stay (but he always goes). 
For 8 year now we’ve had a pattern of “wya” or “wyd” and then he shows up and an hour later leaves. I told him “I’ve never seen you eat, I don’t know if you smoke, I don’t know anything about you outside of Instagram, and I don’t even follow you.” He says “We grabbed Sushi 6 years ago- that was over an hour”. And THAT summarizes our relationship/logic/communication pattern that I’m so addicted to. He’s so unavailable and determined and interesting. He will fly to LA for a month and come back and not talk about it, like it was just another month in the Arctic.
But lately this motherfucker keeps making and breaking plans. No integrity. He’ll call ME and be like “what are you doing after brunch?” And then not take my calls again…. I don’t know if I’m mentally healthy enough for this.
Today when he called I was instantly furious. I’ve been fighting with everyone. I was showing my teeth the whole call. “IF you cancel today, don’t call me again”. He laughs like it isn’t the 900th time I’ve threatened to leave him. But I look like the heart eyes emoji when I see him. 
Or worse, when I see him in public I freeze. I can’t say his name, I don’t know how to interact with someone whose seen a million+ nudes of mine but never seen me in clothes- literally. Such a unique experience. And he has such a great sense of humour that we banter so well when we’re together- it’s unreal. I already love him but I’m afraid of falling IN love with him.
During the fight, he snipes me with the “call that Larry kid” then. AGAIN. Bruh. 
But like, I’m secretly soo happy that he’s jealous over me. Closes to “feelings” he’s ever disclosed.
He comes over, we have sex for hours, then- for the first time- we fell asleep together. He was so sweet! He kissed my forehead. He literally bear-hugged me. He inched toward me every minute. Fuck fuck fuck I think I’m falling in love with him..
When he woke up he was so intimate and sweet that I forgot I was showing my teeth when he arrived. He expressed not wanting to leave. He opened up every Snapchat as I uploaded it when he left. I could marry this bear. 
But probably not because I’m jealous and need attention and he’s never around and I really don’t even know him, but it feels like I do and I LOVE him. But I’m not in love with him. And I’m not ready to give up my sex life with Kyle.
Especially when he brought a 3-condoms pack that only had 2 in it…

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