Etiquette alludes me. It’s such an important survival tactic that I just haven’t been taught. It shocks me. School, parents and relationships have failed me with this. Fuck em all, I got a new plan.
I googled Etiquette Courses because why can’t I just buy it? Is it only for private school bears and old wealth? Not on my watch.
So after some extensive research there appears to be social etiquette, personal etiquette, moral etiquette, CONVERSATION fucking etiquette etc. Omg I’m drowning in all the things I don’t know yet.
I went online and bought a shit ton of etiquette courses and now I’ve spent hours doing Online Courses with stuffy old bears, BearTube, and porn hub. I saw lots of stuff on boundaries and etiquette (and in the Hardcore section, some lack thereof).
At the library I found a book called “Upgrade Your Swagger” that showed me how I should properly eat fish and where I should be discarding the bones (the far right of my plate – and DON’T use them as a toothpick apparently….). Still not feeling any more dateable or friendly or any of the fucking advantages of having etiquette. Like, no swearing? FUCK that.
But what about the modern sayings like “To each there own”?? What if I’m less like the Queen and more like the President of the Free World with his Russian Mail Order Bear-ide. I’m worried etiquette isn’t a thing anymore. But I still want it.
I see all these slutty ass Bears online with their nipples out all the time. I see my competition- and I raise them a BDSM leather chest harness. But I still want to look like I’m not sucking dick for a plate when I’m at a nice restaurant with my future (likely) Politician Husband so I don’t look like the side mistress. I want to know where to put the fish bones so I can look bougie and privileged when our photo leaks to the press. 😉 I have a bright future ahead of me that I need to study for. I need an MBA in Mistressing or I’ll never climb the ladder to become The Wife.
Anyway my manic behaviour is spiralling into Self-Help (read eating-and-porn-how-to’s) so that I can secure the ring and go back to running a life of running my Etsy with embroidered “Slutty” patches again. The Dream.
I’m off to go eat a popsicle down by the Bay with all the business Bears, but without making any eye contact – because that’s how fucking etiquette works. Gahd, I learn quickly. Gonna go earn me a date to The Seven Glaciers Restaurant. Get wined and dined atop a mountain with all my new etiquette. Then I can eat high end seafood and get an Instagram with that wine list. I’ll caption it #WeMadeIt and the pic will only show his paws blurred out in the back. Ouuuu the mystery. The scandal. My exes will UNRAVEL when they see how fucking classy I’ve become. I just know that this etiquette investment will pay off. Off to break some hearts and eat some seal. xx
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.