It’s been hard to get up. Lights are too bright, even when they’re dimmed. My body feels so fucking heavy that my bones can’t fight against the weight of gravity to pull me up. Eating is plentiful, but only if it’s salty or sugary. My teeth hurt.
I will probably not see my Dad again. I’m becoming Jewish for next year to religiously avoid the hell out of these delusional assholes that feel entitled to respect without earning it. They treat me like a kid. “Only take what you can eat” “Finish your plate” “That’s enough to drink” (on my second Palm Bay). I thought that I was too tall, old and wise to babysit- until I saw my estranged dad. I was the only one who showed up to Christmas even though my sister is out of jail now. Ugh, life is so heavy. I feel so heavy. Weights are strapped to my thoughts, anchoring me down. I’m structurally incapable of giving a shit.
I’ve cried more over these Holidays than in an entire season of This Is Us. Fuck everybody.
The kids gave me so much joy. Throwing food, knocking shit over, screaming and running into people. Total anarchists. I could tell them to hit someone and they would! My lil minions.
People never ask me about myself in my Dad’s circle. Like I don’t have a job, a place, or love life that’s interesting enough to them. Maybe that’s why I haven’t come out to them. Or maybe it’s because they’re racist homophobes. My step mom reminds me of the ones in Disney movies… She said she would do her best to come to my wedding “even if I married a BLACK bear”. But the emphasis on black indicated otherwise….. lol @ tones.
I’m a medium good looking bear and they’ve never talked to me about marriage until it was in that hypothetical and racist context. I felt like saying “Well then you’re gonna HATE seeing me marry a another dude bear”- like that was my cue to bring it up. And considering they had anti-gay-marriage flags on their lawns when it was being legalized….
Back to the darkness, Ativans and Christmas Chocolate. I joined the United Jewish Assembly since Christmas. I’m defecting from Hallmark holidays altogether. Religiously.
OH! And one of the cubs at the party found me on IG and commented on a photo where I’m half naked at Arc En Ciel. Wonder how that’s gonna circulate…
I’m so crushed. And at the last minute when I heard my sister was making her way to breakfast I told my parents I had other plans and needed a ride (My Bl’uber wasn’t getting reception). So I’m slowly setting boundaries and it hurts my head and heart that everyone who is SO BORING is also SO SELF CENTRED and self interested. I asked all the questions. No one returned them. No one fucking cares. That’s why I had to leave this town…. </3
Little Known Fact
Bl’Uber is a peer to peer ride service created by a Whale named Robin Williams. One night, he found a lone Walrus that injured it’s flipper and needed a safe ride home to his family after a long night of drinking salmon juice. When Robin dropped the Walrus off at his residence, he insisted on paying Robin a fair price for his troubles. The next day, Robin contacted one of his techie friends, a hammerhead shark named Fred, and the rest is history.
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