Since becoming sane I feel like I’m losing my mind. Everyone else is crazy as fuck and I’m over here forced to deal with a clear mind. It makes me pity the unmedicated and it makes me hate them. Lots.
But I also can’t tell if my damn thoughts and feelings are real or mood-based. (Depressed= hate everybody). I’m expected to take pills every fucking day and drink oceans of water, but I can somehow still get “breakthrough symptoms”??? Doc’s like “it’s expected, the pills are more to curb mania. K COOL So now, when I feel like fighting someone (mostly Lee and my Aunt Donna), I’m like “oh maybe you skipped a pill” or “Maybe this feeling will wear off”. Is that sanity??
I’ll become hella agitated and sick of Lee’s shit, or cut off my sister completely, or call my Aunt a bitch VERY confidently. But when I smoke a quick j, I sit there in self doubt wondering “maybe it’s the crazy?”.
Even the other day when I was out on a date with Lee I couldn’t even make eye contact because I was so annoyed. We weren’t fighting, he held the door, he paid the bill, he wasn’t on his phone the whole time and I was still so high key that I kept imagining flipping the table just so he would stop talking. Or whipping a salmon at him because he keeps bragging about how he’s a Vegan – FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS. *Trigger warning*
Like, Vegans are annoying anyway, but now they’re officially the Antagonist of my moods.
BUT we weren’t fighting, everything was going well AND I WAS HIGH ON INDICA. Like, do I need new pills? Or do I just hate Vegans?
Is there an actual support group for Bi-Polar bears with commitments (read: triggers) like a family or boyfriend, and would I even want to know those fucking bears?! I’ll stick to online forums even though they haven’t proved helpful- at all. (More Q’s than A’s)
Plus I’m triggering out because I have my cousin’s wedding coming up in the US (that I’m in!) and I’ve uninvited Lee. He was triggering me out because he kept making demands about the plan because He was the one driving us down. Like, I’ll uber it there before you can leverage a family event over me, thanks for your support. (Am I crazy? IS he? Are we both?)
The other problem is that I don’t like to create conflict but I THRIVE on it when I’m manic. My slogan becomes “WISH A BITCH WOULD !!!!!”
And having my uninvited PSYCHO Aunt Donna coming to the wedding- who keeps threatening to take everyone there hostage if she doesn’t get another invite- sounds like a real fucking treat for someone who’s manic! My stupid agoraphobic aunt, ugh. I should probably bring Lee just for that reason (talk to him today).
*SEE!!?!?!?!? I can’t make up my mind these mood swings are out of control. This must be hard for him too. Ugh, Am I a Nightmare too!?!??!
SOS DIARY!!! SOS!!!!
LITTLE KNOWN FACT
The divorce rate in the United States has fallen to a low of 45% in the year 2017. However, the divorce rate amongst couples where only one person has converted to Veganism has soared to a rate of 93%. Of the 7% that did not divorce, it’s been reported that 6% of them did not like their spouses in the first place and divorcing over something so small in comparison to deep seeded resentment for never encouraging them to follow their dreams seemed somewhat childish.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.