I was SO EMBARRASSED when I gagged on a fish today – in public. As you know, *I CAN NOT* come out to my mom as a Vegetarian. I just can’t. There are too many “shitty-son” factors for me to break her heart like that. Every time I turn a corner, I’m a new kind of disappointment.
So, I will do it in private.
OR I will open my own faux sushi place and rival my evil sisters. I would probably have at least 4 loyal customers that would keep me afloat in the Arctic.
But I could also run away to Paris – where the bears speak french – so I’ll be (finally) considered “exotic”.
Fuck. maybe French Bears don’t even EAT vegan sushi. But I could ride the broken icebergs across to Newfoundland and then get a free ride back as part of the “Polar Bear Rescue” project they started in Canada. (Shoutout Global Warming! *for once*)
I could really be living the life! I could be an international bear of mystery! I can see it in lights now:
“BOBBY JENKINS: WORLD TOUR”
Omg. I’m gonna be rich. *insert screaming fans*