I was driving through Prince Edward Island, doing my best to sell the newest wares for the company I work for. The biggest seller on this trip has been Handerpants. They’re gloves that look like tighty-whitey underwear, and everyone seems to get a big kick out them out here. At one stop, I mistakenly got chocolate on a pair of them, and my biggest client nearly choked on his poutine he laughed so hard. So yeah, I’m doing well and I love my clients and this job makes me happy. * That was a shitstain reference if you didn’t understand why he laughed FYI.
On my way to my motel the other night, I stopped at a gas station to get some snacks, and I noticed a Green Gables postcard, and I instantly became discombobulated. The parts of me that were running away from my PTSD issues were just reminded of the places I try not to visit. And all of the painful feelings from years past just came roaring back through every blood vessel in my body.
You see when I was at my lows, and continually reliving painful memories, I did my best to not think about them at all, and I became an addict. I didn’t discriminate much with a vast array of vice choices, but my favorite was most definitely drinking. And in the process, I’d hang out with other folks that loved to numb their pain as well.
My best drinking buddy was good old Angus, and we had a great time together. He could do some amazing impressions and always had me laughing. He also loved the books and TV shows of Anne of Green Gables, amongst other sub-culture things. And for those that aren’t Canadian, here’s a link to explain this part of Canadiana history.
It took a long time to realize, but one day in our drunken stooper, I can’t explain why or how, but I saw the pain behind Angus’ jokes and was able to see that I was just as broken as him. All of a sudden everything I was doing to avoid my reality began to repulse me, and I knew I needed to change. I knew I needed to start dealing with my problems head-on and I wanted Angus to get healthy with me. When I talked to Angus about it, he didn’t want to hear any of it and just wanted to keep the status quo.
It just wasn’t one thing, but after hanging out with Angus for so long, it was pretty obvious to me that Angus was gay. He’d been fighting against it because he grew up being told that it was wrong, when it’s not. I didn’t want to confront him about it because I felt it wasn’t my place at the time. So I let that part be and hoped that he’d eventually open up, but that wasn’t the case.
Angus would call me to hang out, and it was like he never listened to what I said. Eventually, I just stopped answering his calls and blocked his number because it all became triggering for me as time went on. I just didn’t want to see his name pop up on my phone as memories I didn’t want to re-live would throw me into a tailspin while I was trying hard to get better every day.
I felt quite guilty about abandoning Angus but in my mind I had no choice. Sometimes you need to cut relationships out of your life so you can get better or at least try to live as best you can with healthier coping mechanisms.
I could go on about Angus forever, but I’ll just leave it there as I don’t want to get into my head. Going to sleep and getting rest is important to me. So that’s all I have to say about that, and I hope that my postcard finds Angus well too.
If you or a loved one is battling PTSD or CPTSD, please do get help if you’re not getting any right now. If you need to talk to anyone right away, our friends at Better Help are here for you by just CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.