Chad The Impaler Vs. The Undead Tibetan Covert Narcissists – Movie Script Outline
It’s 10 years in the future, and the Great Narcissist War is over. Flying cars are everywhere, and I, Chad the Impaler am battling bloodstained flashbacks after being given the Purple Star of Valor by the President of the World for my 11,082 confirmed kills, all by hand. Unfortunately, the war was now going on inside my head, as I continued to be attacked by my Wartime PTSD. I didn’t think all those deaths would affect me, but they did, and all I keep seeing is 11,082 Shattered Vertebrae exploding at the hands of my incomparable Jeet Kune Do skills.
Upon the urging from Britney Spears, I fly to Tibet to learn the ways of the Buddha, under the guidance of the Dalai ‘F’N’ Lama. And when I get there, the Dalai Lama is super stoked to see me, as he heard about my contribution to the destruction of Narcissists worldwide. The DL took me in like I was his own child, and even breastfed me as part of my rebirth ceremony. My head was clearing, I was growing by leaps and bounds, and my flashbacks had almost gone quiet. I was on my way to being a soldier in the Buddha’s army, and I was content in my contentness.
Then one day, this really gross smelling monk with rusty shackles on his arms, who I’d never seen before, runs up to me and tells me that Tibet is a fraud, and that the Dalai Lama is the number one henchman for the Buddha, and they’re really covert narcissists that control a vast Alternative Medicine and Self Help Book Corporation. And I was like “Dude, you fucking smell like shit, and the Dalai Lama and Buddha would never do that, loser!” I soooooo wanted to use my Martial Arts to rip out his larynx, but fortunately, I had the self-awareness to realize that this may be a test, to see if I fall back into my old ways and betray myself with vengeful thoughts.
So even though I may have succeeded in one way, I still felt a lingering disappointment in myself. So as a form of self-punishment, I volunteered for Cemetery Duty because it sucked so hard, but also to help confront my nightmares by being surrounded by death. (And I explain all my inner turmoil by using a giant soliloquy, like it was a Shakespeare play or when that French Detective explains poker in Casino Royale, which sucked. I don’t know why people though it was good.)
When I arrive at the cemetery the next day in a terrible mood, something crazy is staring at me right in the face. The guy who tried to warn me about the Dalai Lama and Buddha was dead! He was spread eagle on the ground with a giant Buddhist Wheel impaled through his head. And color me suspicious, but inside his hand was a ‘Lavender Tea Bag that read Tibetan Natural Herb & Tea Company, Buddha Approved.’ My spidey senses were exploding pretty hard right after that. Was this guy the real deal? Why did he smell so bad? Was I really surrounded by covert narcissists? I had so many questions that needed to be answered. So I took the tea bag and started snooping around, just like Harrison Ford in The Fugitive, except I wasn’t on the run……..yet! (FORESHADOWING!!!!!!)
I confided in my fellow monk trainee and best friend, Ricardo (who I forgot to mention earlier in the story but I’ll write him in somewhere later), and he advised me to keep this to ourselves until we had more proof. So he came snooping around with me, and with his help, we soon stumbled upon an Underground Alternative Product Factory that was using Mainland Chinese Children as slaves to help produce their goods as cheap as possible. I was so confused by everything because Tibet had tricked the whole world about the Chinese being Tibet Haters when it was really the Tibetans that were gaslighting them. My brain couldn’t handle the overload, and I spontaneously began to scream uncontrollably, which then tipped off all the henchmen around us that we were spies. And as we were chased out a secret passageway by the Covert Buddhist Narcissist Security Guards. (By the way, I can run all day because I’m in great shape.) I couldn’t help but feel disappointed in myself for letting my PTSD get the best of me once again.
Then when we finally exit the secret passageway (which is pretty cool and old looking) and find ourselves back in the cemetery, we’re now surrounded by Security Guards from all sides. (They’re all now wearing earpieces to explain how they knew where to be waiting so fast). And then I use my Jeet Kune Do to kill all of these covert narcissists(who are just pawn’s in this most brutal game of life), and it pains me so much to do so too. Each punch I throw is like an electromagnetic pulse that goes right through their bodies, melting their insides until their livers are literally soup…….And after that, I go to high five my loyal monk best friend, Ricardo, and he handcuffs me to the cemetery door. THE TRAITOR! But when I scream it, I only say TRAITOR and take the THE….. out.
And that’s when The Dalai Lama shows up with his narcissist cronies and tells me that I’m about to succumb to the worst death ever, due to the trouble I’ve caused and his disappointment in me. Then some crazy shit happens, as he starts talking like that woman in Total Recall that says Two Weeks, and then his body starts expanding like a blow-up doll, to shockingly reveal that he was the Buddha himself all along. He was like ‘AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FOOL, I WILL DESTROY YOU BECAUSE I’M MORE MENTALLY STRONG THAN YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE PTSD AND CAN’T CLEAR YOUR MIND. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. YOU WILL NOW DIE AT THE MOUTHS OF ZOMBIES!
Then the ground started rumbling, and Undead Narcissist Monks start rising from their graves and eating the brains of all the United Nations Peacekeepers that were just there as observers, which created more zombies, and then they all started attacking the little Chinese Slave Kids, and then they became zombies, and then they all decided to turn their attention to me. I was a sitting duck, locked to a fence, but somehow in such darkness and imminent death, a calmness overcame me, and I wasn’t scared to die. I just closed my eyes and began to meditate, just like I had learned in my teachings. I breathed deeply and cleared my mind of all its poisons. And like in the Matrix, I knew I was The One, and my handcuffs unlocked just by looking at them through my mind’s eye.
The zombies were pissed when my handcuffs broke and they came at me faster and furiouser, but I calmly dispatched all of them without even opening my eyes. My Jeet Kune Do skills became next level as I became present with every motion. The Buddha was livid and yelling ‘FUCK YOU MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WANT SOME, COME GET SOME!!!!!!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!’ But I knew that was a trick, so he eventually ran at me, and we had an epic battle to the death, as I ripped off his femur and chocked him to his last breath. When I finally opened my eyes, I calmly turned to walk away, and as my back was toward him, a zombie version of the Buddha sprung back to undead life, yelling for ‘BRRRAAAIIINNNNSSSS’, so I slowly turned back for effect and with my fist firmly stretched out as far as it would go, I let the Buddha engulf it on its own, punching his head clean off, right through his brain. So he’s dead for sure this time.
At The Great Wall of China, the King of China thanks me for my inner-selflessness and help, for destroying the Tibetan narcissist uprising. I’m then made a national hero for helping support China’s superlative human rights mandate and I get covered in confetti from confetti cannons.
By protecting the world from narcissist religions, I felt like a new man, and that’s when I got a text from The Pope saying ‘Chad we need your help super bad. It’s the priests, they’ve gone rogue.’ And then I put on my sunglasses and listened to the Alanis Morrisette Self Help Podcast as I walked away towards the sunset, knowing that I was THE COOLEST GUY ALIVE.
End of Movie
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.