Le sigh. Over committed and under committed to. The story of my life, Diary!!!
I’m starting to think that I only date safe bets coz they’re the ones who actually stick around. It’s not by choice. A grim realization.
Am I hard to love? I have “a lot going on”- yes. And I’m a bit manic sometimes (or unspeakably depressed)… and they always get so frustrated when I don’t tell them “why”. I just tell them I’m under the weather. They think I’m lying (and they’re right). But “manic depressive” isn’t as sexy as “emo and poetic”. I would never ever ever want to be left for the truth tho. That’s probably what’s happening here. The spiral.
When I told Lee that I was manic depressive it was only because my family wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it. “Full disclosure” they insisted. “Non-disclosure” screamed my instincts- even after a year. But alas, peer pressure will kill us all one day, I’m sure. So there I was, jumping off a bridge because my friends did. I told him and he was all pseudo-understanding about it.
But when he suddenly became the warden of “did you take your meds” I almost lost my fucking mind. He became Dr.Lee overnight- diagnosing symptoms and monitoring doses.
When he cheated and I got so fucking furious and he had the AUDACITY to ask “is this an episode”. AHA ! Just as I suspected. My mental health would be used as leverage against me. And so became the offensive strategy of “tell no one fucking anything”. Then, serendipitously (in my manic brain) I saw a meme saying “Stop telling people more than they need to know.”
I’ve started noticing that people use my stories as leverage, humor and arsenal…. And I’ve become hella fucking jaded about it. I used to shoot from the hip, now I proofread fridges Snapchat texts.
Yesterday, when I went to get a physical from my doctor, he started grilling me on why I would want one before my next scheduled appointment. He asked if I was “manic” like NO DOCTOR I’m sexually active again- going through a TERRIBLE breakup. THANKS FOR ASKING. Even though he should… But when he invited in the female student nurse in to watch and I protested the hell out of it- he sent me for a fucking blood test to check my lithium levels. I’m firing my doctor now. Like, I’m here for my health NOT THIS NURSE’S EDUCATION.
Is it me?! Could I be manic?!?
Then there’s this fucking Robert guy. After we hooked up for the first time- and declared his undying love for me- he asked me for full disclosure of who I’ve slept with, how many people, & if I’m currently with anyone…He reassured me he was already “in love” and would never hold it against me. I told him everything. Now, he won’t call back. The inevitable, predictable, seen-from-a-mile-away no-callback. LOLLL. *Chews Lithium
LITTLE KNOWN FACT
Lithium was discovered by the greatest Australian bear to ever live, Dr. John Bearacade. He remained humble about his chance discovery, describing himself as merely a salmon prospecting bear who just so happened to find a school.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.