Comedian Doesn’t Tell Any Jokes At College Campus Show Due To Fear That Millennials Will Be Offended

Posted by Edward Ernest | Nov 1, 2017 | Fake News, Miscellaneous, News | 0 |

Santa Ana, California – Last evening, at Dyson College near Brood and Elm St., just north of the really awesome Taco Bell with a drive-thru, touring comedian Josh Hardwood performed a 45 minute set of his comedy routine, but without telling a single joke.

As the crowd sat in anticipation of laughing hilariously until their sides hurt, Josh Hardwood had other ideas, as he read them off a list of his mother’s favorite films, television shows, books, sandwiches, and dog breeds.

“You know, I’m a touring comedian. I’m no Louis C.K. or Chris Rock. I need to play any show that I can, and I must take these college shows when I can. However, all the millennials that come to these college shows find everything offensive, and I want to be booked for more shows. Their shaming scares me. So I went over my whole routine and figured I’d just play it safe. I thought maybe when I said the dog breed Shit-Zu, I may have gotten one really low brow laugh out there, but instead, someone started heckling me that my mom is a speciesist against every dog breed that didn’t get a mention on her favorites list. Even when I played it clean, millennials still found a way to be offended, and it frightens the hell out of me. Next thing you know, they’ll somehow find my name to be sexist or something crazy like that.”

Millennial Audience member and big-time comedy fan, David Miller, had a very mixed review about the show. “From a laughs perspective, I didn’t chuckle once. He was using references from his mom’s generation, and I have no idea what the ‘Golden Girls,’ ‘Murder She Wrote,’ or ‘Columbo’ are or were. On the other hand, I wasn’t offended by anything in his show, and I was just thrilled to bits about that. About halfway through the show, I thought to myself, I haven’t been offended at all, and I just grinned from ear to ear. You don’t see non-offensive comedy shows anymore, and it was just so refreshing. I’ll definitely recommend this show to my friends at Vasser.”

Not everyone found Josh Hardwood’s brand of non-offensive/non-comedy refreshing. In fact, after the show, there were two separate protests to keep Josh Hardwood from appearing at Dyson College ever again.

One of the groups was the now former Dyson College Alumni Josh Hardwood Fan Club, who were furious that he changed his routine and cow-towed to the pressure of the younger generation. “Josh Hardwood? The dude’s a traitor man. We all want our years of heartfelt loyalty back. Shit-Zu? Really? The only joke tonight was him and his lack of dignity.” said Former Kappa Delta Pi Vice-President and Current State Farm Insurance Salesman, Kenny Phelps.

In contrast, the second group protesting after the conclusion of the show was the Dog Breed Civil Liberties Union of Dyson College, and they found nothing funny or unoffensive about the Josh Hardwood comedy show in any way whatsoever. A spokesperson for the DBCLU had this to say “Aren’t dog breeds all equal? Yet, some bigots, like Josh Hardwood and his mother, find some breeds smarter, more athletic, and better looking than others. If that’s not dog racism, we don’t know what is. Also, on behalf of feminists out there, we find Josh Hardwood’s last name to be very sexist and offensive too, and we think he should change it immediately.”

Playing a comedy show on a college campus seems like a dicey play these days. You’re damned if you do, and you may be broke if you don’t. But no matter what, being offensive has become the biggest offense, and the older generations are being shamed for thinking otherwise.

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Image: Big Ed Mustapha


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