One of my great talents in life is creating chaos. Especially in my physical reality- which mostly manifests as a clutter bomb exploding and taking over my house making even the most seemingly simple task near impossible to achieve. The mindless, circular traps that I set for myself in this fashion are pure madness and always spring at the worst possible moment (though there is some humor in tracing back moves that laid the “mousetrap“).
When I first heard the expression- Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome = CHAOS– I died. This funny little acronym really summed it all up for me. I was listening to one of my fave shows on Hayhouse Radio, I managed to find this great article by Dr Northrup that mentions a lot of of what she covered on the radio.
I am not a dirty person. Dishes always find their way to the sink in a timely manner. Only occasionally will I find a forgotten piece of produce well hidden in a bag. I like to sweep and vacuum (which are easy when everything has a place and is in it). My downfall has always been the clutter of unfinished projects…
The thing that just needs a thing and then it will be done, but I can’t get said thing because of reason x, so I will just put it over here where I can see it, and with the other things that also need things before they can be complete. Piles that were once meaningful but now are cascading into each other and being rendered useless. Attempts at organization crumbling like ruins.
Or maybe it’s when my closet barfs everywhere because I am trying to find the right outfit for that event I am stressing about. I can’t find the perfect essential piece that I need to complete the look (likely haven’t done laundry in way to long which is not helping), and this happens a few times over before I can leave the house dressed. My closet an eviscerated disaster left to fester.
And on and on it goes. There are a few more layers, but they all have that same kind of anxiety inducing feeling. Like Sisyphus with that big old rock struggling to push it up only to have it tumbling back down on me. Over and over, and over again.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
It can feel like I don’t know where to start.
I am overwhelmed, buried by the weight of the project(s).
Exhausted just thinking about it and let’s be frank, exhausted from beating myself up over how crappy it feels.
I recently sunk to a new level of low with my “CHAOS” and I am so ashamed to admit it but here goes.
A few months back my Mother announced that she would be visiting, partly for business and partly to catch up and have fun. Of course, I did the “right thing” and told Mom that she was more than welcome to stay at my place. That even though my space was less than ideal (and particularly at the moment, because of life chaos = home chaos (funny how that is always a house of mirrors echoing in both directions) she was always more than welcome to stay with me. Can’t lie, I was beyond relieved to hear that she was making other plans to suit the purpose of her trip better and to put less pressure on me.
Thoroughly intended to get my home in a much more functional mom-worthy state in time for her visit. But then I had some more life chaos get all up in my face, and also I get this super annoying paralyzation when I feel a lot of pressure, and I am not coping well. It all lead to not having any time or mental energy to tackle the monster that had taken over my home. I tried to put a dent in it. I tried to make things right. I drew my sword, but this time the dragon won. I was defeated, bitterly.
Felt like a terrible person, I had to tell my own Mother that she was not allowed to come over. I felt so unwelcoming and like there was something to hide which of course there was- my clutter state and growing anxiety over the whole situation.
So there it is my shameful confession (and hopefully a nexus moment for welcoming lasting change). I am sharing because I know I how isolating or messes can be. Which brings us to our newest Community Collaboration “Creators of Chaos Unite“, follow the link for all the details..
If you are wondering where to start tackling your disaster (if you want to that is:) our Edward Ernst has a suggestion I whole heartedly agree with here. Or if you need an even bigger dose of inspiration checkout this book review on the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up and how it’s wisdom was put into practice.
Oh and thanks for listening I feel a little bit lighter after getting that skeleton out of my emotional closet!
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.