Here’s the thing, Diary. I know that when you’re Crazy you think that it’s everyone else that is causing you conflict. But when you’re sane- you realize you were responsible for a lot of the conflict. This gives you a healthy dose of doubt when you’re in conflict, so you’re constantly examining if you’re responsible. And this summarizes my relationship with Lee.
I relapse into rage when someone won’t respect my crystal clear mental health boundaries. The escalation is slow but real. So he thinks it’s my fault I’m raging, I think it’s my fault he incites the rage by not respecting my boundaries. No matter how many years pass- we don’t seem to solve the root problem of conflict management- because it’s fucking HIM.
I’ve set hella clear, LOUD and healthy boundaries with him repeatedly. I even assert my boundaries with friends and families for the sake of my sanity, and it helps me to protect them from my old (unmedicated) temper. Now I can recognize the signs grown-up style. Ex. “this is upsetting me” “let’s not talk about this later”… BUT once I snap, my verbal diarrhea holds no bars when it comes to insults. I’m like a drag queen on meth when I rage out- I can read someone onto a cliff. I always verbally go for the jugular in my rage.
So when Lee pushes me past “I don’t want to talk about this” “drop it” “let it go” to “WHY ARE YOU STILL FUCKING TALKING WTF SHUT THE FUCK UP!” it’s unbelievable that he still acts shocked once it finally comes to this point. Every time.
Yet I am so fucking predictable when I’m medicated. I am CRYSTAL FUCKING CLEAR about my limits. There are CONSEQUENCES to not respecting peoples’ limits- and it makes perfect sense that someone would snap after repeatedly having their requests violated.
He could always shelf the topic, speak on it later, set a time to discuss, make a mental note… all healthy discussion options…. But he prefers to push people and then act all fucking victimized when the person snaps out after being POKED like the fucking BEAR THAT I AM between the EYES for too long. I’m dealing with a plebeian. Lawd. He doesn’t have the sense God gave a clam.
And then I wonder “how it got to this” every single time. Is it because I’M crazy? Is it because he is? Is it an IQ or EQ thing? There’s literally no logical answer. Ever. Just a straight up violation of respect. I could spend my life pondering this like fucking Socrates and not come up with a reasonable explanation as to why this idiot has the conflict management skills of a toddler.. And THIS is my recurring problem. He pokes and pokes and pokes until he triggers me out while knowing damn well what the outcome will be. It gets under my skin!! And I’ve never met someone so inclined to NOT to taking responsibility.. or even social cues in my life. UGH!!!
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.