Jodie Whittaker, a bonafide woman, has been cast as the Thirteenth Doctor in the popular British Sci-Fi show Doctor Who, a move that has turned some male fans into keyboard warriors overnight.
“It’s Doctor Who, not Nurse Sue,” wrote basement-dweller and anti-deodorant activist Eric Chapman in a Facebook rant he posted at 4 AM. “I’d never let a lady doctor operate on me. She’d probably just see blood and faint or something. Besides, what’s this new Doctor going to do when she gets her period? Hide out in the TARDIS and cry for a week?”
“Soon, they’ll be making Batman ‘Batwoman’ or something,” wrote Nigel Hermit, whose favorite hobby is gatekeeping the Doctor Who fandom by telling women they aren’t real fans unless they know every Doctor’s birthday, height, and nose hair count.
Both Chapman and Hermit took to Facebook to spam the official Doctor Who page.
“I see it as my duty to let the fandom know exactly what I thought of their new casting choice,” Hermit grumbled before guzzling a Monster energy drink. “And she’s blonde, too! It’d be one thing to cast a brunette, or even a ginger like the Doctor’s always wanted to be, but a blonde? The Doctor Who fandom is about to be a laughing stock. I can just hear all the dumb blonde jokes already.”
Even a former Doctor, Peter Davidson, stated his disdain for the casting choice, fearing that casting Whittaker means “the loss of a role model for boys who I think Doctor Who is vitally important for.”
“I very much agree with Davidson,” said Chapman. “I mean, just look at media today. Absolutely no role models for boys. Everything’s all about ladies. We didn’t need a Wonder Woman movie. What we really need is more Batman Vs. Superman, or another Spiderman movie. There just aren’t enough of those. It’s just the leftist agenda in full swing; you know what I mean?”
Tom Baker, who played the sixth Doctor, was quick to shut down naysayers, tweeting, “Cannot deny that I am amazed by the ‘never watch it again’ reaction by some viewers (I hesitate to call them ‘fans’). Very sad.”
David Tennant, Doctor number ten, agreed with Baker’s support of Whittaker when he stated, “I can’t think of a better choice.”
The fact that two of the most popular Doctors support the producers’ choice to cast a woman in the lead role has caused many a nervous breakdown among some male fans. If you’re experiencing Doctor Shock Syndrome, professionals suggest doing a few very, very manly activities to reinstate your masculinity.
“Dousing yourself in Axe Body Spray, put on some Nickelback, and bench-pressing two to three-hundred pounds is a good place to start,” said life coach and general misogynist Randolph Hurta. “Follow that up with an Expendables or Sons of Anarchy marathon.” If that doesn’t work and you’re still feeling way too feminine for your own good, Hurta recommends walking over a bed of hot coals and eating at least five pounds of rare blue steak. “E. coli poisoning is a small price to pay if it means keeping your masculinity intact,” he said.
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This post was created with the help of Grammarly.