Dear Judge Mental Jones,
I’m having Posting Paranoia!! Every time I go to post a photo online I run through so many obstacles in my head. Does it match my previous posts? Should I go bright or moody? How many likes before I feel comfortable keeping it up? Should I use hashtags, and if so, how many? By the time I get through all those questions I usually end up not posting it, or I just post it until I don’t enough likes within an hour then deleting it and feeling mortified. All my friends seem to have 10k followers and millions of likes even when it’s a pic of their coffee and I just can’t keep up. I feel like erasing all my social media profiles most days- but not having a Facebook or Instagram makes you look like a loser to all the other people at school. Please help!
Dear I Can’t Believe Society Has Come To This Type Of Problem & We’re All Doomed,
So I’m going to give you three answers to your problem. Two of them will be kinda the same answer but split up like bookends.
The first answer, get off of all social media right now. No, if’s and’s or but’s. This isn’t healthy for you and is most likely unhealthy for every child in the world. I’m serious when I say delete all your accounts and start living in the real world because everything everyone is posting is fake. I know you won’t listen to me, but it’s the only way to get your mental health back. You won’t be a loser, in fact, you’ll be the biggest winner here, and everyone else will be a giant loser, and you can tell them that.
In fact, you should start a trend where only losers use social media, and cool people do stuff in the real world. You’ll be a leader and not a follower like everybody else. Other kids will start to look up to you and join your bandwagon. You would have started a revolution to take your insecurities back and be a confident kid again. How does that sound?
I didn’t think you would listen to me so here’s the answer you want to hear.
Girl FUCK THOSE PEOPLE. FUCK FILTERS AND FUCK THOSE FAKE FOLLOWERS THAT THEY BOUGHT. They probably run back-end bots that say “Cool” and “Will fuck for a like-back!” on everyone’s pic that uses the hashtag #FITFAM. So let’s be clear, you are experiencing the symptoms of a very common modern plague called Social Media Anxiety.
I suggest that you run your IG for you and yours- based on things you like to do and people you love and selfies that YOU think make you look cool or you can start reporting them as bots from fake accounts. There’s always a solution! 😉
OR you could even open a fake ass account to 1) test hashtags and likes or 2) actually use it the way YOU want under a pseudonym without these fake judges who rely on the Valencia filter and 30 hashtags to be #Liked. They won’t be able to search you and then judge your selfie with less than 11 likes.
Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s get back to the third option, which is really option number one, but with my regular tone from answer number two. Make sense? Here we go.
You don’t need social media! You can be cool IN REAL LIFE #irl practicing being a decent human and refining your good sense of humor while these assholes from school and shit, scroll through strangers “likes” while they’re actively out at the club or whatever dumb things you do these days with their friends (#COOL).
These clowns don’t even LIKE the Starbucks Unicorn Drink, but they’ll spend their money on that shit while they live in their parents’ basement but still don’t know how to do laundry (#LIFESKILLS #SET). As much as you might idolize their online platform, just know that their offline lifestyles are probably basic as fuck. And picking an “Aden” filter with a contrast is not a skill set honey.
So you stay focused on you and living your BEST life. How about you make money off social media while you can too? Once you find a theme or a cause you can get behind, like makeup tutorials, vegan meals, book reviews, etc., you will catapult past these online dicks (who never seem to have tagged pics?????LOL) in tax brackets. You’ll build up your followers in a targeted way – while they’re still hashtagging and “finding their light” in group shots instead of building a future and authentically having fun. Fucking losers.
OH, and for the record, even I was huge on MySpace. I had like 10M followers, and there is literally not one person that gives a shit now since IG and FB are the major platforms. So rest assured, they’re a platform-crash away from being nobodies again. Cute thought, right?
xo, Judge Mental Jones
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.