Fear of Sessions Regression

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Feb 12, 2018 | Fake News, News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes, and the internet’s love for marijuana. 

Facebook users especially love talking about legalization. It’s one of the few areas remaining in the political sphere that still brings people together. Whether you’re 70 or 20 and have nothing else in common, chances are, you’ll like each other’s comments on marijuana legalization.

That, more than anything else, is the reason Facebook blew up when Attorney General and evil Keebler Elf Jeff Sessions suggested tearing up the Obama-era Cole memo, which prohibits federal law enforcement from interfering with states that have legalized the medical and recreational use of marijuana. 

People from both sides of the aisle came together on Facebook to voice their opinions on Sessions’ proposition. The verdict? It’s bullshit. Teens think it’s bullshit. Thirty-something parents in suburbia think it’s bullshit. West Virginian grandmothers think it’s bullshit.

“What’s the big deal?” Wrote Bertha Sturgess, a grandmother of eight from Wichita, who, based on her profile, has some fine-ass quilting skills. “I’ve been smoking doobies with the gang since 1959, and I don’t intend to stop now.”

We spoke to totally legit historian Nick Kramer (who we definitely didn’t interview outside of a head shop in southern California) about the ramifications of Sessions’ decree and how it’s likely to affect Americans going forward. “You’ve got states and cities decriminalizing. Moving toward legalization. I mean, obviously places like California and Colorado were going to do it first, but across the nation – the western world, really – you can see a big push toward complete legalization. And then you have racist dinosaurs like Jeff Sessions trying to push us back into the Reefer Madness era of the 1930s.”

“Legalization and knowing the feds couldn’t mess with my shit is the only reason I moved to Colorado,” Courtney Wright wrote on a Washington Post article about Sessions’ plan. “You think I like seeing snow in June? Nobody likes seeing snow in June! The benefits outweighed the cost… until this douchebag stepped in.”

Anxiety over marijuana legalization and prohibition seem to elicit stronger reactions than almost any other hot political topic.

 “People are far more anxious over Sessions’ plan for federal crackdowns than they are for Trump’s nuclear Tweets,” said Aaron Durand, a psychologist who admits to spending eight hours a day on Facebook for no apparent reason. “I think if the federal government actually starts enforcing its laws against individual states, you’re only going to see this fear grow stronger.” 

Kramer, ever the beacon of reason, put it in terms everyone can understand. “Look, man. You can’t expect someone with a name like Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III to be a beacon for progressivism.”


This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Credit: Donkey Hotey


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