Dear Judge Mental Jones,
My future husband and I have been together for two wonderful years, but lately, I’ve noticed that his parents manipulate him for money, in which they blow on their drinking and gambling addictions. I’ve asked him to stop, but he can’t, and it’s affecting our relationship. He now helps them behind my back, and I know this because he’s started to gamble too. It’s his coping mechanism, and a dead give away based on history. I love him, but I don’t know what to do.
Dear My Future In-Laws Suck Big Time,
Classic! Bonding with fucked up parents until you’re fucked up yourself. I hope this cash isn’t coming from a shared account coz sustaining ANYONE’S vice outside of your own is bullshit and a deal breaker.
Is he an adult? Because it seems like his balls haven’t dropped, and he’s still a bitch-ass enabler who prefers lying to you instead of saying no to his parents, as they finesse his hard-earned dollars into the tables, or worse, the slots (ugh). What a keeper! <3
This sounds like a job for Couples Therapy, coz if you marry this man, you’re marrying into his lying, enabling ways and his manipulative ass family. Old habits die hard, like gambling, appeasing parents, or hookers and blow (just an example). And don’t think this is an easy fix. Once solved, he could just relapse into lying to enable his parents once again, and I’d safely parlay those sneaky behaviors into ANY HABIT YOU’D SAY NO TO (Oh, the comfort). This is not the type of budget-ass 007 relationship you want for yourself. He’s not a cool spy. He’s a bad liar.
Now, let me be gentle and understanding, as I just got all the anger out for you. Your fiance and his parents both have issues they need to deal with. I don’t have a background on how his parents grew up, but they both have their own things going on and found comfort in the enabling of each other. It’s hard to teach an old dog new tricks, and it might prove difficult to have a couple of old timers work on themselves, as they’ve been set in their ways for way too long. However, it’s most likely that your fiance’s parents don’t think much of themselves either, and you should feel a little compassion for them.
When it comes to your fiance, his way of dealing with his parents is through addiction as well, and he needs to tackle this head on. He’s hurting too, and he feels a tremendous amount of guilt, but he needs to create healthy boundaries and fast. His parents may try and put a major guilt trip on him, but he must stay strong. If you give it time and he just can’t do it, think to yourself, “DO I WANT A SON/HUSBAND/LIFE/IN-LAWS like this?!”
The behavior you allow will persist. And unless you see yourself pulling at slots, with a Jack & Coke and your future kiddos, or estranging yourself from your “charming” in-laws, maybe you need to get real about how “fixable” this problem is, without ripping this guy’s dysfunctional family apart.
xo Judge Mental Jones
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.