The covert narcissist hides amongst all of us, and they’re so good at hiding, that they can even hide from themselves. LET THAT SINK IN FOR A BIT. That’s right, you, the reader, may be a narcissist and not even know it. I JUST BLEW YOUR MIND! But it’s the truth, and I need to pass along my life skills because if you don’t know how to spot a covert narcissist, then you’ll be no good to me, and to all your fellow narcissist warriors, when I call for conscription.(Please look up conscription in a dictionary as I have no time to explain this right now. I just ordered pizza, and I don’t want it to get cold)
Covert Narcissists may come off as shy, insecure, and introverted, but make no mistake, they’re judging you. They love the smell of their own arrogance like I love the smell of my own farts….. and that’s a lot. Speaking of farts, I once had a friend named Paul Shamrock, and he threw some pretty awesome Oscar Night Parties, which I don’t go to anymore because I’ve finally learned that the Oscars are a complete joke controlled by narcissists that award their narcissist friends…….and I was kicked out from the club and not invited back. Anyway, Paul had a friend named Devon, who was a pretty big covert narcissist, that dressed like a German Architectual Student. And even though he was quiet, I couldn’t stand to look at his smug German face. And it’s not because I’m Jewish, it’s because he had a very trimmed blond mustache, and I think mustaches are disgusting. If you look at mustaches up close, it’s really just pubic hair on your face, and that’s just gross to me. It kinda makes me wanna barf.
With hindsight now my best friend, my past observations of Devon have helped me break down his annoying traits, which is why I never want to be in his presence ever again, which actually won’t be a problem because he died in an untragic autoerotic asphyxiation accident this past summer. I heard that no one showed up to his funeral and I literally laughed my ass off because that Aryan deserved it. Now here are the ways to spot a covert narcissist.
A Quiet Smugness
I’m at the Oscar Party in 2004, and I’m talking to Devon about how ‘Team America: World Police’ got robbed because it was just way too woke and people just didn’t get it. And this SS loving motherfucker just sighs at me in an exaggerated way and starts scrolling on his Blackberry like I wasn’t even there. He just pretended to surf the internet, and there wasn’t even internet on those things back then!!! Then he starts squirming like I’ve got Ebola and he needed to get away before his eyes bled…… Am I that terrible of a person?!!!! All I wanted was to talk about ‘Team America’ and the brilliance of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, and he made me feel shame about something I loved. Now I can’t look at a picture of Kim Jong il without crying.
You know the part of the conversation, at the Oscar Party in 2017, when you pause and Devon should then ask a question, or make a comment on the uncanny ability of Keanu Reeves to choose fantastic scripts? And then he just changes the subject to talk about his love for ‘Run Lola Run,’ which I don’t disagree with, but again, it’s from Germany. Then he started talking about the croissant he ate earlier, and I was just like “Dude, this is an Oscar Party. Movies only talk.” And then I got kicked out for being rude! Fuck you, Paul! The Oscars are a joke anyway.
Lack of Empathy
I’ve covered this shared trait amongst all Narcissists at nauseam already. You get the gist. But if you don’t, here’s another story about Baron Von Devon. Like that time I was discussing the film ‘Shame’ starring the incomparable Michael Fassbender aka Magneto, and how I lived with shame because I didn’t have sex until I was 24 years old (and nobody out there better be making fun of me right now, or I’ll lose my shit on you. Seriously, I was saving myself for the right girl, and I think that I should be applauded as a positive male role model and not laughed at), and then Devon laughed in my face as he smoked his stupid hand rolled cigarettes. He said he was doing it to save money, but I know he was just trying to be Swing Kid cool. Fucking dick.
This one time, at the Oscar Party, I was telling Devon about a movie idea I had about a narcissistic ghost that torments a family by preying on all of their biggest insecurities. For example, the mom is horrified when she exits the shower, and on the mirror, written in steam, it says ‘You’re A Fat Loser, You Fat Loser.’ And then she blames her husband and kids for doing it, and she’d cried a ton because those words hurt her really bad as she’s been struggling with her weight her whole life. So then I asked Devon if he wanted the role of the ghost, and he was like ‘Yeah, Sure.’ And then I called and texted him about it, for like a really long time, and he just never got back to me, and then when I’d see him, he’d say he got so busy he forgot to get back. Passive Aggressive, much?
Covert Narcissists are seen as highly sensitive because Devon can’t take criticism well. When we were playing Oscar Movie Charades, Devon became quite enraged when I didn’t pick him to first to be on my team. Then he kinda just pouted and left the room and pretended to take a phone call from his acting agent, for like an hour. And everyone there knew that his agent was really his mom because Paul went looking for him and overheard it all.
Even after Paul overheard him crying to his mom, Devon lied to our faces and bragged about all the roles his agent just booked him, including a role in a new Bruce Lee movie. The loser thought if he mentioned, El Bruce El Excellente, that it would piss me off, but I already knew he was lying. What a dumbass.
However, even though I knew he was lying, I just had enough of Devon’s shit and let loose a verbal barrage that no one in that room had ever seen before. It’s like all the shit I took from Devon over the years just came pouring out in his direction with giant knives attached. And even though everyone there agreed with me, they didn’t like how I threw some of their shared secrets about him under the bus. I’ve since apologized, but my moment of weakness created distrust amongst this crew, and neither myself or Devon(not just because he’s dead) were ever invited back again. Do I take part of this blame? Maybe I do, perhaps I don’t, you got a problem with that? This is a narcissist war, and unfortunately, sometimes there’s collateral damage. Nobody said war was pretty.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.