For the first time in my life I am more in love with myself than any other person and I don’t want to give it up. I’d rather be single and hooking up awkwardly and sleeping terribly overnight than in a shitty but comfortable relationship; there’s just no need.
I’ve been asking people to leave after we hook up to keep it light and casual. One of the bears asked me to just “Throw a movie on”… but I think Netflixing with someone is more intimate than fucking them and that speaks to my mental-health-induced sex addiction in VOLUMES.
ONE Bear feel asleep and I woke up I was the LITTLE spoon. Fucking never again. That’s what create this before-sex “you can’t stay here though…” agreement.
The last guy to show up said “I know I can’t stay but I shower here”. UHHHH ?? I literally said no #SelfLove
And now I’m able to say “It’s ok if this doesn’t work out” when I’m connecting and sleeping with people. I’m not obsessed with being liked or getting a call back. This is breakthrough.
I’ve been freely blocking and not replying (BYE ROBERT!). I’ve lost the guilt or the thirst for emotional connection and replaced it with scheduling sex with people who are also fresh out of a relationship (read: each other’s rebounds). It gives that “I’m not ready yet” vibe to the whole agreement. No tagged photos. No spooning. We don’t ask questions or inquire. We can leave our phones screen side up without fear. It’s so… interesting… how easy it is to disconnect and be cold AND be intimate. Like hookers – but I haven’t perfected asking for money yet (not trynna be too trashy- yet).
There are moments when I really want to test out my I-don’t-give-a-fuck-ery. Like, I’m dying to say “ask me anything” and “you can do whatever you want” but even that seems too serious for these setups/agreements. I’m a full-disclosure kinda bear. Well known for oversharing.
But that being said, I’m scaling back the slutty posts. Or maybe it’s the meds. I never know who to give credit to.
That being said, I blocked all the people that I was single-mindedly posting for on all platforms (minus snapchat) and it feels like I’ve cleanup up my act overnight. I also deleted half my Instagram and I’m going in for a rebrand. I realized my brand was “make X person date me and think I’m hot” rather than “what do 1000 people want to see- including family and former highchool mates and colleages. I think I need a mantra of “Block people you like” to keep my aesthetic together dammit.” Or maybe I just need more goals. Specific, maybe travel or assets. Still trying to figure out which goal will snap me out of Narcissism the best. So I’m gonna START THE FUCK OVER:
New pics, new fits, new name.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.