When I asked my mom to be my Valentine, I realized I hit an all-time low. If I’m going on dinner dates with someone I don’t even like, I figure I might as well up the ante. And since all the Zaddy’s are gross and all the singles are married I had to say FUCK IT and join Ashley Edison today. I just want a nice married man with everything to lose to take me out. Maybe he would know how to wine and dine me then leave me for his husband/wife (I don’t judge) at the end of the night like a Gentlemen. Plus, I’m confident he would take care of the bill, maybe even send me home in a Blu’ber or fuck me in a hotel. Hell, I could use the night off from my Air Bnb. And I want to live like a lavish Sugar Bear with none of the commitment (the dream).
After me and mom exchanged flowers and cards, I order an expensive meal and cropped her out of it, and captioned it “When Bae surprises you @ExpensiveAssRestaurants #ILikeWhatILike”. I made sure my mom kept her grubby paws to herself while I perfected the dim lighting photograph. It got 11 likes. I’m on top of the WORLD. Is it too cliche to tag Bif & Lee? Coz I’m trending in that direction of petty these days.
Now I’m off to stage a breakfast. It will cost me two meals and my calorie count for the day but god dammit I want a mimosa (or 5) to clear the pain and upload for likes. I AM LOVED, PEOPLE. I AM WORTHY AND GREAT AT DATING. (*this won’t be my caption Diary, I promise)
I’ll start a fake account with a hot hipster Cub (or professional? Note to self: Look into the options…) that will like all my pics and put the heart emoji under suggestive photos and be my 12th lake so I can finally level up. Maybe I’ll start using too many hashtags (#Masc4Masc #Taken #4EverWithBae #JustTheTwofUs) and start posting everything in Black and white for romance. Or maybe I’m under medicated.
I’ve been avoiding my blood tests for a year coz I’m convinced they’ll find out I’ve been a Crazy when they check my lithium levels (or lack thereof..). I’ve been taking Xanax before the doctor to fool them into thinking I’m “Stable” and “Level Headed” while fighting off the tranquilizer and trying not to lick my sexy doctor’s face. I asked him for a physical last time coz it had been so long since I hooked up, and I thought my calmness (read: Xanax) would pull it off and make it seem like a serious request. He reminded me that it’s only yearly and that I had one 6 months ago. The thirst is fucking real. (*refreshes Ashely Edison aggressively)
Now off to buy discount flowers and chocolates to eat in bed while excessively uploading photos captioned “Everyday is Valentine’s with youuu” <3 Yeesh Diary I am such a romantic. I’m lucky to have me.
If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.