I’m Not Looking For A Commitment Right Now

Posted by Bobby Jenkins | Sep 12, 2018 | Bipolar Disorder, Bobby Jenkins: The Diary of a Bipolar Bear, Identity, Relationships | 0 |

Dear Diary,

Casual dating needs a rebrand. It’s fraught with emotion expectations, jealousy and half assed commitments. It’s easier to cancel on a side thing and expect no consequences, or to leave a nude on “read“ and not reply to it when you’re not committed that way. Way easier than it is when you’re like actually dating that person, meeting their family, hanging out with their friends. 
I never know whether to tell them when I meet someone new or not. Like, do I disclose I’m dating. And how much info? Their Instagram name? Age? Job? Fave Sex positions? My mind has been racing. What if I don’t have future goals with them- or worse- what if I do!! (I recently thought about Tommy and was like “I would marry the shit out of him and it felt important enough to tell Javier but here we are… manically overthinking my “no commitment” multiple relationships right now)
Javier hasn’t spoken to me in a week. He thinks I’m sleeping with a bear that I’m not (but of course, would) and the trust just isn’t there. When I deny it- he just rolls his eyes and says “okayyy” in a tone that makes me want to punch him and scream “I DONT HAVE TO LIE TO YOU JUST GIVE ME SEX AND COMPLIMENTS”. 
Javier asked me if he had been replaced, and if I hooked up with that guy I posted a photo of at three in the morning… I realize a lot of thought was going into this. When I heard myself say “I swear on my grandma I didn’t fuck that bear” I realize how far we were taking this very casual no-expectation hookup. He asked me to travel with him… He asked me about family planning and then called me back twice in a row after a week of barely replying. I realize he was retaliating because he thought I was fucking around. Which I am, but not with that guy from 3 AM. But also I should be able to. And he will lose it when he sees how cool the other bear is. Enough that they’d be friends. 
So for now I will tell each bear that I’m “not looking for commitment” and then watch them spiral into believing we’re committed. That’s the benefit of not adding them on Social Media – that’s what everyone perceives as a reality these days.
However I DID tell them both about Tommy from Canada. He was here for a week, showed up in my stories, stayed with me and he comments on my photos. Plus he’s sexy as fuck and corporate, so I let them both know we were together, but now he’s back into his Canadian igloo or whatever the fuck they do down there. That felt like truth telling, even though it’s mostly deflection – or even scapegoating. But again, I would marry the fuck out of Tommy. (Note to self: look up ticket to Canada to get some bae time in)

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