Dear Judge Mental Jones,
I’m a female time traveller from 1667 A.D., and I had a question about dating. My parents will not give me the key to my own chastity belt and they say it’s because of my bipolar manic episodes where I become hyper sexual. Our old neighbour had bipolar as well, and they blame her promiscuity for her unfortunate contraction of the plague. But the plague was so 1666, what should I do?
It’s crazy to think that no matter how many centuries pass parents are still such overbearing nosy jerks. Tell your parents to stop being so obsessed with your sex life! It’s not like you’re gonna wait till marriage anyway. Alls ya gotta do is fall in love with a tradesman who will STOP AT NOTHING to get that belt off, and once it’s off – turn into a feminist and exercise your right to say No.. (That’s right – be the first to introduce Feminism and become an icon! Maybe even get your own Holiday?!) There is NOTHING BETTER than manic sex episodes (until you’re out of them and realize what you’ve done……..) but fuck yes girl, don’t let your parents and a little bit of metal stop you from LIVING YOUR LIFE!!
You can also go on Ellen (quirky gay feminist comedienne with a show for housewives and older lesbians), and she will bring on some specialist to get that thing off – and you might even get a free car! Trade your metal up! Drive that thing back to your parents and show them how much they know – coz you’ll have WHEELS (pack gas and at least 1 handyman before traveling back in time, of course). Or get your own MTV show about your chastity. Make it a game show, and your ass can get PAID to get laid. OMG!! THE BACHELORETTE !!!!! YOU ARE THE NEXT BACHELORETTE, AND YOU CAN SLEEP WITH THEM ALLLL! (Also see: birth control) and then you can fornicate as often as your manic heart desires!! (see lithium)
Also, we have something here called condoms. Take loads of them back with you and always use them. ALWAYS!! Now you won’t have 8 babies to work the farm for you either!
Last thing, as I need to be responsible here as well, if your bipolar mania is making you hypersexual, you’ve essentially become a sex addict, and that’s not healthy. You may find yourself in some dangerous situations, with some not so savory men or women or even someone without a gender (too hard to explain right now). And the sex you may be having might feel empty and emotionally it might feel good at first, but over time your feelings may take a turn for the worst. If this starts to happen once that belt is off, you may need to find a therapist back here in the 21st century to help you talk through your issues.
xo Judge Mental Jones
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.