Judge Mental Jones | April 10th 2017

Posted by Judge Mental Jones | May 10, 2017 | Judge Mental Jones | 0 |

Dear Judge Mental Jones,

The other day, I broke down to my friend about how difficult life has been lately with bills mounting, and the attention my son needs, with his autism and some physical issues. His older sibling also feels like I’m paying no attention to her, and I also have a mother who’s a narcissist. I expected some empathy from my best friend, but she had none for me. It seems she thinks I’m always playing the victim and thinks I should grow up. This is my friend of 30 years and it’s made me feel more alone than ever. Do I keep her around?

It seems like you have a knack for attracting narcissists, and that this Bitch for (over) 30 years has overstayed her welcome in your life. BYE BISH! 

You can’t get blood from a rock or empathy from a Vampire so let your self-centred unhappy attention-seeking friend who advises you to “grow up” (which means rack up debt and lose your sex life, right??) that if “Growing Up” entails being friends with some HOMEWRECKER (in the mother-son sense, duh) and to stop “playing the victim” (read: taking care of your son and managing your home life) that she is fired. But say it like Donald Trump would.

Either way, just because you’ve spent a long time making a mistake doesn’t mean that you have to stay committed to it (for 30 more years..). 

Your children are key players and an investment in our collective future so THIS bitch needs an emotional facelift to be worthy of your time and – in fact – could do some “growing up” herself by learning to at least FAKE sympathy like the rest of us. 

What a lonely soul she is. Maybe she needs some “time off” from your friendship to get real introspective on who she’s accusing of playing the victim (coz you see yourself in others, Janice. That’s probably not even her name but that’s what I’ve named her now.). 

But use a ton of caution when neglecting one child to care for another because that child will almost always become a Psycho. Maybe carve out a day or two to spend together and get her in therapy ASAP coz it costs more to fix a fucked up childhood than to prevent it. She could end up becoming a replica of your narcissist mother. And frankly, I think you should schedule a call with her on Saturdays so she doesn’t feel neglected, but also doesn’t feel too involved in your day to day life. In fact, you should schedule time with your daughter like you schedule meetings and play dates, and then tell your mom and best friend that you’re “too booked”  (for Narcissists) because if you don’t protect your time and emotional boundaries *Newsflash* NO ONE WILL…. Or pitch a reality show to Lifetime. Your call. 

Now, I know you probably don’t want to give up on your friend that easy, so there’s more than meets the eye on this situation. She might be going through her own issues and needs someone to be there for her, yet the focus might always turn to you, thus leaving her feeling resentful, as her needs aren’t being met. Before you listen to my helpful ranting, I think you should probe further with your friend and have a real heart to heart. If that doesn’t work out, then rip her heart out and eat it. Also, while you’re eating it, text me and tell me how good it tastes.

Dear Judge Mental Jones,

I’m a female time traveller from 1667 A.D., and I had a question about dating.. My parents will not give me the key to my own chastity belt and they say it’s because of my bipolar manic episodes where I become hyper sexual. Our old neighbour had bipolar as well, and they blame her promiscuity for her unfortunate contraction of the plague. But the plague was so 1666, what should I do?

It’s crazy to think that no matter how many centuries pass parents are still such overbearing nosy cunts. Tell your parents to stop being so obsessed with your sex life! It’s not like you’re gonna wait till marriage anyway. Alls ya gotta do is fall in love with a tradesman who will STOP AT NOTHING AT ALL to get that off, and once it’s off – turn into a feminist and exercise your right to say No.. (That’s right – be the first to introduce Feminism and become an icon! Maybe even get your own Holiday?!) But if that answer is too obvious – then FIND A FUCKING LOCKSMITH IN THE FUTURE LIKE YOU FOUND ME – stop wasting time! There is NOTHING BETTER than manic sex episodes (until you’re out of them and realize what you’ve done……..) but fuck yes girl, don’t let your parents and a little bit of metal stop you from LIVING YOUR LIFE!! Hey! You can go on Ellen (quirky gay feminist comedienne with a show for housewives and older lesbians) and she will bring on some specialist to do it – and you might even get a free car! Trade your metal up! Drive that thing back to your parents and show them how much they know – coz you’ll have the WHEEL (pack gas and at least 1 handy man before traveling back in time, of course). Or get your own MTV show about your chastity. Make it a game show and your ass can get PAID to get laid. OMG!! THE BACHELORETTE !!!!! YOU ARE OUR NEXT BACHELORETTE BITCH AND YOU CAN SLEEP WITH THEM ALLLL! (Also see: birth control) and then you can fuck as often as your manic heart desires!! (also: see lithium) Fuck your parents, Fuck all the time AND leave the Plague in 1667! It’s a win/win/win.

Last thing, we have something here called condoms. Take loads of them back with you and always use them. ALWAYS!! Now you won’t have 8 babies to work the farm for you either!

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.


About The Author

Leave a reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *