Dear Judge Mental Jones,
My dad doesn’t know I’m gay, because I haven’t told him, since he’s a homophobic comedian. I have been with my girlfriend for 1 year and I have avoided every family event and holiday as a result because MY GIRLFRIEND doesn’t know that I haven’t come out to my family. Only my Mom’s side knows because they are very liberal. The last time I tried to come out to him he said “You can’t even make fun of the gays anymore because everyone’s so damn PC. People are saying it wasn’t mentioned as being bad in the bible so it should be allowed. I don’t know what bible YOU read – it’s Adam & Eve! Not Adam & Steve.” I pivoted on coming out after that one-liner. There’s a lot going on with our family right now, so I don’t know if it is a good time. Specifically because I’m not sure how long I will stay with my current girlfriend. Any thoughts?
Dear Your Dad Is Mike Pence,
Which archaic cave did this asshole just climb out of!? WTF? Imagine people had to come out as Straight!? That could be reality soon enough because it seems like damn near everyone is at least “fluid” these days” (read: most straight men could name one guy they would make an acceptation for). Fuck him. Your Dad sounds like he needs to update his comedy routine for the gays or he’ll be out of a job real soon. Get the memo, fool. It should be outlined in all retirement plans.
Update: women can vote, and stop making fun of gays because they outnumber you and make more money now.
But Dad jokes will be Dad jokes (not funny and outdated social commentary). And he might not even actually hate the gays (how could you?) but he’s using the material to evoke laughter with his bitch ass punchlines based on being a hater.
Now, coming out can be hard, but it can also be creative – or even viral. So if it’s not THIS girl that meets your family, maybe it’s the next girl you date. You’re gonna have to do it at some point, or you risk that your dad might just find out himself, which adds deception to the homophobia, and that could get sticky. But also, fuck him for being homophobic.
Which girl would you rather throw onto the bomb? Future or Present? There are many different ways you could approach this.
- Create a cake that says: It WAS Adam & Steve! With Two Disney Princes or Princess (Amber & Eve) on the cake.
- Say “I thought you always knew??” or “I told you about this awhile ago” and just brush it off as his old age kicking in to develop a very real fear over his phobia of gay people
- You could match your dad with wit, lightheartedness and comedy and you could meet him on his level. Write a mini comedy skit about being a flaming proud gay. Maybe print a shirt. Then, you could prepare a rebuttal for his (likely predictable) follow-up jokes.
But whatever you chose, you should definitely film it so that you could go viral and end up on Ellen!!! Everyone loves Ellen! Even the homophobes! It’s like she doesn’t count as a gay to them! Truly, the benefits are endless. It’s always awkward talking to Dad’s about relationships when they’re always waiting to make a punchline (and not even a funny one, necessarily) but it’s likely better that he hears it from you than through the grapevine. Unless you have a sibling that’s willing to do it for you. You could always bully them into coming out on your behalf and report back or into being the cameraperson for your Ellen moment.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.