Judge Mental Jones: July 29th 2017

Posted by Judge Mental Jones | Jul 29, 2017 | Judge Mental Jones, Relationships | 0 |

Dear Judge Mental Jones,

My boyfriend has put on exponential weight since we started dating and it’s bothering me. Now he’s less social and I suspect he’s avoiding our engagement and couples photos as a result. He’s way less confident and more negative these days. He used to be hyper fit in and into a ton of sports, so I know this is eating away at him, but he never shares that with me. How can I get my confident and social boyfriend back?  

Dear Vain Jane,

Aren’t you being a judgemental fuck? Could it be a slower metabolism? Maybe a thyroid issue? Maybe he feels trapped in your relationship because he thinks you’re judging him for his weight gain? Aren’t we the vain one these days?

Based on his hermit-ness, I would say he has a fear of tagged photos (just like the rest of us). But if he used to be fit and knows the regiment involved, then there’s probably something “eating away at him” mentally. His plumper bum could actually just be exhibiting symptoms of depression. And if this is the case, he could be using eating as his coping mechanism for anxiety (about the weight gain) and depression (about his lost figure? or maybe something deeper?) Maybe you two should sit down and talk? However, don’t you dare bring up his weight gain, asshole. He already knows so don’t make him feel bad about it if it’s an issue with him.

Now onto part 2. If I’m reading this right? You’re either engaged or waiting to be engaged. Either way, if there’s a delay happening, then something isn’t right. Now, either, you’ve been dating a long time, and if so, this guy needs to commit, or you kick him to the curb. Or, if you haven’t been dating a long time, then get a fucking grip and be grateful that someone wants to date your high maintenance judgemental ass.

Based on your writing, I’m going to guess that he hasn’t been dating you too long though. Probably a year? I mean, I’ve known my husband for ten years, and I still don’t really know the asshole. So give this guy a break. It really sounds like you want everything now. Maybe it’s time you started looking into the mirror and your behaviors?

I know I may be asking a lot from you, so let me just get to something you want to hear, instead of me judging your sorry ass prematurely.

So here’s me being on your side and nice to you.

Do you want him to change bad enough to meal prep for your man? Work out alongside him and take him to appointments or schedule them like a small child? Do it! The babysitting might feel like a chore, but it’s a small runway to self-sufficiency. Once he graduated the Kindergarten version of self-help, he’ll become more self-sufficient and motivated to get your ass to that alter. So don’t give up on him, but love him enough to put your foot down for the both of you. Oh, and replace every pop tart with a carrot and kale shake, until he learns to love it, and himself.

FYI, that was sarcasm, dick.

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