Dear Judge Mental Jones,
I am a married female, age 29. I recently married in October, and I am very happy in my current relationship. I work in the social services field. I need to know if I am an alcoholic. I tell myself every night that I am going to take a break from drinking. But the next night I always go to the store and buy more. I know that I drink too much in one sitting. I consume about a six pack of beer or a bottle of wine in one night. Sometimes more. I really try to stop but every night I find myself drinking again. Do I need help?
Dear Alcoholic Wife,
First, does your husband know this and not care? WHAT AN ENABLER! Unless he has a drinking problem too! Then you’re both enabling each other! Do you guys not have a safe word for the 5th fucking beer yet!? Like, YOU HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING!!! GET THAT MONEY GIRL!!
And is everyone at your job so stressed out trying to change the World that you’ve been swept under the rug as a red flagged alcoholic? What are your lunch bevvys like? Aren’t you gaining all kinds of weight!? Even from the drunk eating alone- Dear Gahd Woman! Sober and skinny is where you need to be. Pick up a vegan book or go on a retreat. Those healthy bitches will guilt the shit out of you.
Let’s be crystal fucking clear. You need to address this if you can’t control how often & many drinks you have- period. It’s a survival skill. You might even have to look within to identify triggers (like your enabler husband, party friend or demanding job) and then carve out a new social circle at your local AA because those fuckers were the LIFE of the party and now they’re sober as fuck. You’ll meet some cool ass people there, and then you can get back to saving the world and helping others. Your job is too important, and alcoholism is too maintainable if you don’t ditch the triggers and address your past that’s causing this. You do NOT want to be fighting that shit off at 40 so get it together while you’re still dateable and employed. Also, check out “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg, it studies the implementation of habits being implemented at AA. You can do this.
Dear Judge Mental Jones,
I become very violent and always accuse my wife of sleeping with other men. I don’t care who is in the room when I act violent. I go on with my anger and even threaten my own life if I don’t get my own way. I continue to have these episodes and I cannot stand it a second longer.
I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Is there a doctor that knows how to cure this malicious virus? It is destroying my family and me. Please help.
Dear Piece of Shit,
Don’t fucking hit your wife or I’ll come for you. Especially in public- have some goddamn dignity you swine. And suspecting you might have a mental health condition is no goddamn excuse for being violent. People like you give mental health a bad name. But there’s good news! You might not be just a terrible fucking human – there’s also a pill for that!!! So stop taking out your symptoms on your wife in public – because no one will think she’s wrong. They’ll just think she’s RIGHT for leaving you.
I live by the phrase “you see yourself in others” so you if you’re a fucking liar- you think people are lying and if you’re sleeping with other people (or entertaining it)- then you think OTHER people are sleeping around when it’s your sickness and paranoia. Am I ready to diagnose? Strong nope. That takes like 6 sessions and the patience to deal with assholes like you. (Even if it’s chemical – you’re a fucking douche bag.) And I too was a douchebag once! But not anymore thanks to fantastic meds that shut off that part of me that makes me violent. But goddamn does men hitting women re-trigger that desire like no other. In fact, I’d probably kick the shit out of you -on meds- wrestling-style with a chair if I saw you hit your wife, Sir. But you’re in the right place for acknowledging that you need help – and I applaud you. However, people can walk around for a decade using suspected mental health as an excuse for symptoms that can GO AWAY with a diagnosis. So stop using clinical terms to excuse your asshole behaviour If you want to keep your wife and not LITERALLY force her into sleeping with other people then go get help….. Or I’ll fuck your wife. xx
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