Dear Judge Mental Jones,
I am a married female, age 29. I recently married in October, and I am very happy in my current relationship. I work in the social services field. I need to know if I am an alcoholic. I tell myself every night that I am going to take a break from drinking. But the next night I always go to the store and buy more. I know that I drink too much in one sitting. I consume about a six pack of beer or a bottle of wine in one night. Sometimes more. I really try to stop but every night I find myself drinking again. Do I need help?
Dear Alcoholic Wife,
First, does your husband know this and not care? WHAT AN ENABLER! Unless he has a drinking problem too! Then you’re both enabling each other! Do you guys not have a safe word for the 5th fucking beer yet!? Like, YOU HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING!!! GET THAT MONEY GIRL!!
And is everyone at your job so stressed out trying to change the World that you’ve been swept under the rug as a red flagged alcoholic? What are your lunch bevvys like? Aren’t you gaining all kinds of weight!? Even from the drunk eating alone- Dear Gahd Woman! Sober and skinny is where you need to be. Pick up a vegan book or go on a retreat. Those healthy bitches will guilt the shit out of you.
Let’s be crystal fucking clear. You need to address this if you can’t control how often & many drinks you have- period. It’s a survival skill. You might even have to look within to identify triggers (like your enabler husband, party friend or demanding job) and then carve out a new social circle at your local AA because those fuckers were the LIFE of the party and now they’re sober as fuck. You’ll meet some cool ass people there, and then you can get back to saving the world and helping others. Your job is too important, and alcoholism is too maintainable if you don’t ditch the triggers and address your past that’s causing this. You do NOT want to be fighting that shit off at 40 so get it together while you’re still dateable and employed. Also, check out “The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg, it studies the implementation of habits being implemented at AA. You can do this.
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