Dear Judge Mental Jones,
My wife gave me her phone to look at an Instagram picture and when I clicked on the search by mistake, I could see that her last search was of her ex-boyfriend. When I brought it up, she immediately called me insecure and now her phone has a lock code on it always. Should I be concerned?
Dear Locked Out,
Let’s be real. She’s an idiot for not knowing how to “clear search history” in the first place, just like the rest of us. She’s allowed to look him up, but this trifling asshole is not allowed to come at you sideways for your discovery. Like ???? WTF. You’re not “insecure” for being able to read. Is this jerk being for real? I say leave your Instagram open and look up EVERY ex you have and some porn stars just for kicks. If her phone has a lock on it- put one on yours too – and then leave it open on a profile that you know will make her super jealous. Like 12 of your exes pics from 52 weeks ago. Bonus if you’re in the photos. If she doesn’t question you and isn’t as defensively curious as to your browsing habits, then bring in the big guns and order a sex worker so you can one-up her. Or straight up be a shit disturber and say you ran into an ex at the mall and went to grab a coffee and catch up, seeing as how she’s so “secure” she’ll definitely be alright with it?
I think we’re all allowed to look up exes because I do all the time. I don’t want to reconnect with them though. I just want to make sure that they’re still single and miserable without me 🙂 However, if you’re at the point of keeping shit from each other after asking honest questions, maybe check out couples counseling, unless the Ex isn’t hot. Then just hire a Craigslist photographer to get a bunch of hot aesthetic pics and out-aesthetic them! Duh! But ya, again, there’s always counseling. And Private Investigators. And your computer’s search history. But it’s up to you. Whatever it takes to gain empathy from a deflecting psychopath of a wonderful wife you have.
Dear Judge Mental Jones,
Most of my friends and family consider me to be weird and I feel pressure to conform these days. My exploits really haven’t gotten me anywhere, compared to my friends, as I’m a starving artist. What should I do?
Dear My Parents & Friends Are Judgemental Losers,
Find money. It always makes people shut the fuck up with all of their “opinions” and “pressure”. It literally vanishes when you tell them that you found ANY income (minus sex work and drug trafficking) but even then.. it depends on the family. So just “get your ass up” and focus on getting employed. Even any-ployed. Go to a recruiter or even start some volunteer work at an organization that you can work your way up in. Or start a fucking Etsy. Just do anything that fills your time up so that you are A) Away from these people B) Too busy to care and C) Can literally make it rain dollars next time they tried to come at with you an opinion you didn’t ask for. I hear Data Input is fantastic for stoners if that’s your avenue. As Einstein said “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. So even if you become a niche webcam model – do SOMETHING to pivot from your current non-paying critic-inducing “exploits” so you can find yourself and stunt on your (seemingly very annoying) friends and family. xoxo
P.S. Everyone is different and learn in different ways. Comparing yourself to others will only make things worse. You have your own path and things will come to you when you’re ready. If you truly love being an artist then you’ll make it work somehow. Enjoy the process. As far as your parents and friends go, i don’t have enough info, but either they just want the best for you and don’t like to see you struggle or they have their own issues going on, but I can’t be for certain. Anyway, for real this time. xoxo