Judge Mental Jones | May 19th 2017

Posted by Judge Mental Jones | May 19, 2017 | Judge Mental Jones | 0 |

Dear Judge Mental Jones,

I’m 35 years old and my newly retired narcissistic father wants to hang out with me all the time. He was too busy to hang out for the previous 34 years and I never had an issue with it until now. I guess I’m used to being left alone by him, but now I’m upset that he’s so needy and using his old age as a manipulation tactic to hang out all the time and call me twice a day. I’m going crazy with guilt and drowning. Ugggggh!

Dear Ugggggh!,

Set healthy boundaries. And by that, I mean: lie. Tell him you took up some un-checkable skill  (Toastmasters, swimming or a Sex Club), and mention that you over-booked your schedule in hopes of coping with all the downtime from your *insert your recent made up challenge* (ex. a breakup with an unnamed woman, quitting sugar, your dad fucking retiring). And voila, you have an alibi.

OR you can feel free to just Fuck Right Off because where the hell was he for all the times you were available IN REAL LIFE. You don’t get to be an active parent all these years later and I’m sure he wasn’t Twitter-Style updating you with his every move with the last 34 years so fuck him.

I mean, it’s great that parenting has suddenly become “convenient” and he wants someone to chat with, but that’s what lawn bowling and Facebook are for.

Maybe drop off a Dog and tell him you’ll call on Sunday’s to make sure it’s alive and task him with a type of distraction to get him to fuck all the way off until weddings and funerals and all the other classic times that you two used to keep in touch. Might as well maintain the tradition.

Sign him up to a book club or knitting or something he never wanted so he’ll NEVER tell you he has spare time again. Small cost – large reward.

There’s always the YMCA or the Jewish Centre (even if you’re not Jewish) coz those fuckers will sign you up for every program under the Sun. Then he can find a Coffee Buddy, which is the art of substitution. There is NOTHING WORSE than a parent with no content to share. You’re stuck listening to “Did you see The Voice last night?” and “Debbie’s daughter Carol just bought a squirrel feeder. It’s like Squirrel De Soleil now!”

If you don’t get creative and think fast, May the force be with you.

Seriously though, back to setting those boundaries so you don’t get walked all over. Obviously your dad is going through an old age crisis and if you do care about him, you should ask what’s going on with him as there’s a behavior change. If he opens up a little and sheds light on his issues, then you can be the good soul that you are, which is way better than me and help him get the help he needs.

But really…..fuck that guy.

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.


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