Manic Over Sharing With My Bearista

Posted by Bobby Jenkins | Jun 7, 2018 | Bipolar Disorder, Bobby Jenkins: The Diary of a Bipolar Bear, Body Image, Identity | 0 |

Dear Diary,

Got the Doctor’s call today that my lithium levels are so low that I’m at high risk for mania. It’s the first time in 3 years that I my levels have been this low- and believe me, I already noticed.

I have unbearable ADHD, a weed-assisted appetite (only), body dysmorphia in that I think I’m blimp sized and cut all the tags off my clothes. My heart keeps racing so I can’t sleep. I snapped on the student doctor who kept asking if I was “suicidal” (newbie perpetuator of mental illness stigmatizing hoe).

I’m so fearful that this gonna is end in depression?!

My minimized forethought and maximized online posting hasn’t been discreet either. I’ve been sending indiscriminate nudes, made a sex tape with a random (on HIS phone!!) and I’ve been oversharing with everyone- bearistas, Twitter (I don’t even USE Twitter normally) roommates.…  

I’ve been popping off on my friends a lot saying that they don’t check in on me or reply fast enough. But then when I checked it hadn’t even been a day since I sent the “Brunch?” text no one replied to. But it was a fucking trigger.

I’ve also been reckless with dating. I agreed to an overseas all expenses paid trip but when I found out sex was involved and I wasn’t getting a rate I actually became offended and screamed that I wanted to be paid like a sex worker. First time for everything.

When another prospect didn’t text me back in 12 hours, I blocked him on Instagram. He texted me an hour later. (UGH!)

THEN Lee got caught reaching out to my friend and I got screenshots of him sliding into their DMs. Fuck no Fuccboi!! I sent his bff a longwinded threat- in writing- and believe it or not Diary THAT was my first sign of being manic (to myself- I’m sure everyone else already long suspected).So happy to be done with him, his idiocy knows no bounds. Such a manic-triggering little psycho, he makes it easy not to miss him.

This round of manicism feels really intense though. Like I have blinders on and I’m crossing the street without looking both ways. I’ve lost many of my survival skills likes shutting up and not responding to things. Apparently if I take a handful of lithium it won’t even speed up the process.

Here is a list of emotions running though my head riiight now: 

aggravated, anxious, reckless ,not thinking things through, fiscally irresponsible, impulsive, weird sleeping patterns, insecure lashing out, unfocused, messy, explosive.

And that’s what we call the Tip O The Iceberg out here in the Arctic. My doctor says it could take weeks to recover and get my levels back up. I’m really out here babysitting myself, my thoughts and actions while trying to thrive socially and professionally. However, it feels like an iceberg is ON me emotionally and weighing down my decision making skills but not my intelligence. Go figure.


 LITTLE KNOWN FACT

The term ‘Tip O The Iceberg’ was coined by an mixed breed Polar Bear, Beary O’Shea. He was 1/10th Irish with red fur, and for attention, he spoke like an annoying Leprechaun, even though he lived in the Arctic his whole life. His memory has survived through his famous phrase, however, he died alone as nobody could stand being around him.


If you or a loved one you know battles with Bipolar Disorder or any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.



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