Move Over, Katagelasticism: Kardashigelasticism is Here to Stay

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Oct 16, 2017 | Anxiety, Fake News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

The Kardashian-Jenner clan is about to add three new members to their ever-expanding dynasty, and their fans on social media #literallycanteven. 

“We’ve known Kim and Kanye were using a surrogate to have another kid for a while now, so when Kylie announced her pregnancy, it was kind of unexpected,” said Kardashian fan Ingrid Austen as she scrolled through Jenner’s Facebook page. “I mean, she’s the hottest thing to happen to the Kardashians since Kim, and she waited for her fame to fizzle out a bit before settling down and having kids. But Kylie, like, is totally trying to promote her make-up line right now, and she also has a crazy successful modeling career.”

“I’m really trying to figure out what her angle is,” said social media marketer Amanda Smith. “Knowing the Kardashians, we can only assume that this is a calculated move. She must have some plan up her sleeve. Having a baby will definitely impact her brand image.”

Not to be outdone by her younger sister, Khloe announced her pregnancy a few days later, at which point Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter completely blew up – especially when people realized all three babies were due at around the same time.

“I just don’t know if the world can handle three new Kardashians simultaneously,” Sara Valentino wrote publically on Facebook 9.3 seconds after Khloe made her announcement. “I think it might cause some kind of rift in the time-space continuum.”

Celebrity historian Will Reading sees this as an opportunity for a whole new generation of Kardashian competition. “Eighteen years from now, you’re going to see the same thing going on for these three kids that happened with Kylie and Kendall. One is super successful, and the other… well… the other does really stupid Pepsi ads.”

“My money’s on Kylie’s baby,” Austen predicted. “I have a bet with my friend. She totally thinks Khloe’s is  the one to beat.”

Reading, however, thinks it’s going to be several years before we know which member of Kardashian Gen. 2 is going to be the most successful. “And ultimately it doesn’t matter. The Kardashians aren’t really famous for anything, so they have to keep adding to their family line to make sure they can keep making more money than God. It’s the only way for them to keep up their lifestyle.”

“You’re gonna have three new Kardashians – one after another after another,” said Valentino, who follows every single Kardashian and Jenner on Instagram. “You think you’ve got a lot of anxiety about the pregnancy announcements? Just wait until they start poppin’ ‘em out. Whose baby is going to be the cutest? Who has the best chance of making the best dressed baby lists? I don’t think I can wait until February to find out.”

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Image: Lozikiki

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