My Different Types Of Friends

Posted by Bobby Jenkins | Jul 31, 2018 | Bipolar Disorder, Bobby Jenkins: The Diary of a Bipolar Bear, Identity | 0 |

Dear Diary,

I’m auditing my friends fiercely this year. We’ve all grown so much in psychotically different directions and I think it’s best to recalibrate everyone’s importance in my life. Not everyone needs a leading role. That’s where all this conflict is truly coming from.

I have the “Leveragers” who use me solely as a free therapist and for filler at their birthday parties and Cub Showers, etc. They like to bitch about their husbands for 3 years in a row while saying “that’s great advice” to my suggesting couples therapy- then never take it. Y’all need to put me on a fucking payroll if you never ask how I am at the end of the rant. You never come to my parties or answer the phone when I need you. You have been cut from the next round of voting- Sashay Away.

Or there’s the fair-weather friends you see once in a Blue Moon that bring up every single thing you said last time you saw them- like 7 years ago. “Still with X??” “Still working at Y”?? No. I’ve progressed because I’m progressive as fuck. Ask me “what’s new” and let me lead or I’ll end up talking about my nervous breakdown and subsequent mental therapy x meds if you ask me “how my grammas doing” you triggering un-updated fucks. Are you even on my Facebook? You probably unfollowed me based on how many brand new questions you’re asking about my job and dating life.

Which brings me to the social media stalkers… like my friend Keith. “I saw on Facebook you went Glacier camping!” or “I saw that that your sister’s out of jail. What happened?” Or “Who’s your friend Brian? He’s so cute and his public profile looks single”. Like bruh, as me what’s happening in real life and let me pick the topics… don’t lead. Ya creep. 

The entitled friends like Hometown Besties I haven’t seen in 5 years like “too famous to invite your friends out to the Arctic Festival VIP?” Nope, just too estranged from you, you never even crossed my mind.

And the Eeyore friends who are clinically depressed and find the negative or what-could-happen spin on everything you do so you feel the need to unsubscribe them from anything fun and exciting coming up coz they will rain all over your fucking parade.

Or the best is the too-busy no-return calls (when they’re in relationships, or doing well) but hit you up when they’re moving out of said relationship’s place and have alienated all their friends. That’s when to expect the long posts about how “supportive” and “loving” you’ve always been over a selfie that takes 200 tries to perfect. So authentic.

Like, why do I have to babysit all this deadweight of friends simply because I once invested in them. It’s wild. And there’s no instinctive way to break up with them either without being a dick…

I wish people came with trailers.

Little Known Fact

Glacier Camping is currently an illegal activity in the Arctic Community due to global warming. However, due to extreme sports type of bears wanting to create an outlaw aesthetic on their social media platforms, many bears are putting their lives at risk for the sake of more likes. 

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