The Narcissist Combat Handbook | The Emotionless Shield | Weapon

Posted by Chad The Impaler | May 29, 2018 | Narcissist Combat Handbook, Self Esteem | 1 |

Bruce Lee once said that “a great defense is always the best offense,” so that’s why using the Emotionless Shield as a weapon against narcissist d-bags is such a potent force. In a way, we’re letting the narcissist go on the offensive, knowing that our defense will only help them induce self-inflicted injuries. It’s pretty much the most guilt-free weapon in my arsenal, and I silently laugh inside, like Fran Drescher, as my shield protects me.

The Emotionless Shield can obviously be used with friends and family. By the way, I used air quotes while saying friends and family to imply major sarcasm as I didn’t think real quotes would have had the same impact as telling you. But back to the Emotionless Shield, and it’s best use, in my opinion, would be for your Workplace-Colleague-Narcissist.

Sometimes when you’re at work trying to get the film into the projector wheel just right, and your colleague with a really smug face, DAN, starts telling you that he could do it faster and way better, knowing that all he’s doing is trying to get you nervous so you’ll screw up and destroy the actual film, that’s when you employ the Emotionless Shield. (A narcissist would have pointed out my poor grammar with that run on sentence, so If you just did that in your brain, then you’re a narcissist, and please stop reading this post, or I will impale you.)

Now back to employing the Emotionless Shield. Use your 3rd-Eye to start thinking and imagining a beautiful view of flowing breezy trees and fall deeply into that picture until your eyes glaze over and it feels like no one else is in the room with you. And just like that, Dan is completely fucked, and he doesn’t even know it yet. He’s just waiting for me to get an upset look on my face because he’s a total scumbag narcissist who gets off on this shit, and also by kicking dogs I hear but I can’t confirm that with my own eyes, as it’s only hearsay from his cousin Deb who once worked at the theatre too.

So when I’m not showing any emotion, it starts to drive Dan nuts, and I know it starts to drive him nuts because then he tries to put me down even harder, by telling me his dead grandma could string the film faster, but little does Dan fucking know that I’m a fucking master at this shit now because I grew up inside a coven narcissists and his weak ass shit ain’t got nothing on this narcissist warrior. I’m like Bruce Lee meets Matt Damon in Rounders(but only in the last poker scene) meets Wolverine. Just one look into my eyes and your pancreas will burst into flames.

Another big part of the Emotionless Shield that I haven’t mentioned yet, but equally as important though, is the art of not giving information. This is why I say the Workplace-Colleague-Narcissist is the ideal candidate for the full potential of this weapon, as your family and friends already know the things that get you angry and pissy, as you weren’t strong or old enough to keep vital information about yourself away from them. I will not go into my friend or family history here as I can already feel the rage-ahol building up inside me. And on the advice of my trusty sidekick, Dr. Jonas Van, I’ve been told to stick to my wins and positive outcomes, so I don’t regress into my former self. Sometimes I hate the Doc, but I know he’s just looking out for me.

Real Conversation Right Now with my trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Van

Dr. Jonas Van: Did you just give me a compliment?

Me: Shut up! 

Dr. Jonas Van: You’re doing great!

Me: Thank you, now leave me alone and let me finish this.

Real Conversation Right Now with my non-trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Van – Over

Where was I before the Doc interrupted me? Okay, yeah, if you can, don’t let the narcissist know anything about you. The more weaknesses they know, the more of a chance they can inflict harm against you with put-downs, etc. And if they know your biggest vulnerabilities, the odds of them cracking your Emotionless Shield 3rd-Eye Blank Stare increases exponentially. So you either must do 1 of 2 things or both. If your Workplace-Colleague-Narcissist starts asking you information about yourself, just tell Dan that your family treated you with the utmost kindness and respect growing up even though you know that not to be true and I’m getting really mad right now, and I might break the wall in front of me, so I’m going to stop and move on to point two.

Hold on one second as I need a breather. Maybe you should go take a jog around the corner and come back; then I’ll be ready to continue.


Alright, now onto the second of the two things. Besides the lie telling about your own life. When Dan started prying like the narcissist dick he is, I then started gossiping about people to get him off my case. I know what you’re thinking. Gossiping about other people is what a Narcissist might do. And yes, that’s true, but I’d gossip about people that I’d completely make up out of thin air. And Dan would be like, who the fuck is James Ellsworth, and I’d be like, he’s my friend, and he’d be like why would I care about him, I don’t know him. And I’d say, because he gave my friends dog a blow job once when he got really drunk one night. And then Dan said, I don’t want to hear this shit anymore, and then he walked away yelling how stupid he thought I was until his kneecaps blew off due to frustration. Then I laughed silently like Fran Drescher for like ten minutes.

And that’s how you beat fucking DAN at his own game.

Summary and Real Picture

Don’t Let Them Know Any Of Your Vulnerabilities. Use Your 3rd-Eye Blank Stare. Let Them Inflict Their Own Wounds.

Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!

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1 Comment

  1. TL

    Good advice. My dad married a woman who is a psych vampire. Need to remember to SHIELDS UP around here.


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