Do you have a friend that likes to undercut every awesome thing that you’ve ever done in your life? Like the time I won a local Halo tournament, and my friend Raoul said ‘Way to go! It’s only a LOCAL tourney.” Fucking, Raoul! If so, then this shitbag is not your friend and is most likely what I like to call a ‘Vulnerable Narcissist.’ These human farts are sneaky little shits and like to hide under a secret facade. What is that facade you ask? Great question! They pretend to have feelings and be empathetic toward you and others. But don’t believe them! Their feelings revolve around themselves and it it ends right there. They are highly intelligent beasts with low self esteem that want everyone to feel for them and they’ll stop at nothing to get you on their side.
The best way for me to describe them is by calling them an energy vampire. We all know that Vampires rock because they live forever and have superhuman strength and can give eternal life to anyone they damn well please, but energy vampires aka Vulnerable Narcissists aren’t the same because they just suck.
Energy vampires do not live forever and therefore cannot grant you eternal life either. So right there, it’s a no-go for me. What these types of Narcissists do is they latch on to a healthy host like me or you and try to take all your energy and focus it on them just to make themselves feel better.
If they fucked up at work, you’ll get the phone call telling you about how everyone else at work sucks, and it wasn’t their fault, and they’ll keep you on the phone for hours until you agree that everyone else sucks monkey balls. Or they might start talking crap about people in your friend group and saying that they’re jealous of them, and then you’re on the phone with your friend Raoul for like hours and agreeing with him that he really is the best at Halo. EVEN THOUGH HE’S NOT! Fucking Raoul!
They’re just really insecure, and their sense of self-comes flying out of them when they feel threatened, and it’s for no reason besides their ego’s being hurt. This reminds me of the time that Raoul and I went to Skybar for his 21st birthday, even though I didn’t want to go. None of our other friends would go with him, and that’s what he wanted to do, so I did it to be a good friend. And I didn’t realize at the time that he was just going to try and suck my energy from me, leaving me bone dry on the side of the Sunset Strip waiting for a stray dog or possibly Andy Dick to come and sniff my butt.
I went off on a tangent there. Where was I? Oh yeah, Raoul, Skybar, his birthday. We got bottle service because he wanted to look cool and attract some women to the table. I call females women now, instead of chicks or babes because I’m slowly learning to become a better person and treat everyone with respect. Anyway, my shithead friend Raoul just keeps going on and on about how all these rich guys at the bar are major douches and need to spend all their money just so a girl will go home and make sweet love to them. This went on all night, and every woman that came by to have a drink with us would leave because Raoul came off like an angry, jealous, insecure loser.
I was one of the very few that had the pleasure of being Raoul’s friend when I was 12 years old, and now it seems like I’m stuck with him for the rest of my life. The rest of the old crew stayed in and played a glorious game of Settlers of Catan, and I missed out because for the honor of being told that I’m not that great at Halo or pretty much anything Raoul wanted to be better than me at.
I obviously wasn’t in a good place at this point in my life because if this happened today, I would have head butted Raoul’s face into a million pieces and then I would have taken those pieces and shanked him right in his gut for stealing all my energy when I needed it way more than him because I was surrounded by narcissists in my life. At that time I was being beaten into oblivion, but not anymore, as I’ve risen from the ashes like a Phoenix. Now I’m here to help everyone get to the promised land as we head into the great war.
The good news about this type of ‘Vulnerable Narcissis’t and my old “friend” Raoul, is that they can be turned back to the side of good. That’s right! These dicks are mostly nurtured, and if they want to do their best to fix their insecurities, they can essentially be reborn into regular people like you and me. However, they’ll have a whole slew of baggage that they’ll continuously need to work on. The best news is that if they are turned, they can be used as a giant weapon in the upcoming Narcissist Apocalypse by easily spotting other narcissists and having the life skills to turn more narcissists to the good side. They’ll turn narcissists back to the side of empathy faster than any guidance school counselor ever could. What a dumb job that is! Like any kid is gonna listen to Mr. Atkins with his chronic bad odor and shifty hands.
Here’s my spot on drawing of what a Vulnerable Narcissist looks like. So If you ever encounter one, you know to steer clear, or if you’ve been through training, you can either try to turn them back to being a regular joe or punch them in the gut so hard that their intestines fly out of their dumb butts.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.