Narcissist Combat Handbook: Misconceptions and One Fact

Posted by Chad The Impaler | Oct 4, 2017 | Narcissist Combat Handbook | 0 |

Misconception #1 – Narcissism is Really High Self-Esteem

The answer to this is a big fat no. You can have really high self-esteem and not be a narcissist. D’uh! How do I know this? Because Bruce ‘Motherfucking’ Lee was not a narcissist and he was the most confident person this world has ever birthed. And he wasn’t born confident either; he had to cultivate it like my old marijuana plants, which I don’t grow anymore because they make me paranoid and less confident. Bruce Lee grew himself with clear intention and daily ritual like the Dalai Lama, but with fists of steel and a willingness to use them.

We’ll get more into confidence in later chapters as I don’t want to blow the whole Bruce Lee load on you right now. And just so you know, that was an ejaculation joke. If you found offense to this, you’re probably reading the wrong blog, as I’ll also be referencing these things, me ripping out someone’s liver from their anus and also feeding their eyes to my dogs. And those someone’s I just mentioned, if you haven’t guessed it yet because you may not be the best comprehender of reading…… are narcissists. Coolio.

Misconception #2 – Narcissists Only Enter Into Relationships With Insecure Regular Folks

Bill and Hilary Clinton. Kris and Kaitlyn Jenner. Need I say more?

How about Chuck Norris and whoever he’s married too because Chuck Norris doesn’t have shit on Bruce Lee. Don’t you dare listen to the internet on this one either, with all that Chuck Norris kills people with his eyes baloney. His narcissistic wife, whom I don’t even care to go look up her name, started planting these world wide web seeds a long time ago. And now they sprouted into outright lies. Fuck her and fuck Chuck Norris and fuck narcissistic couple combos.

Approach them at your own risk! 

Misconception #3 – Narcissists Have a Reason for Being Narcissistic

Alright, I’ll give you this one. Narcissists  do have a reason for being narcissists, and it’s called….. narcissism. There was a study done by a website called ‘Are You Hot or Not’ and they did a test with 100 narcissists that all thought they ranked above a 9 on the ‘Hot or Not’ scale out of 10. However,  the average score the general public ranked them was a 6.3. If that isn’t science, I don’t know what is?

Misconception #4 – All Millenials are Narcissists

Not everyone on social media aka ‘millennials’ are narcissists. Most are insecure and trying to measure up to the true narcissists, like the Kardashians, Darth Vader, and Miranda Sings.  And It’s not the millennials fault either.

You see, there’s a guy out there named Mark Zuckerberg (BIGGEST NARCISSIST EVER!), and there was a movie made about him and his massive ego and how he reinvented social media. Total Douchebag. And now he wants everyone to become a social media narcissist just to line his pockets with million dollar bills. Now he owns Instagram too. This egomaniac is the biggest threat to the non-narcissist world and must be stopped by any means necessary. He’s pretty much the equivalent of a head vampire for all you Anne Rice Geeks out there.

To all you Millennials, I beg you, please unplug now. This is your last chance to avert the upcoming apocalypse. If not, I will have to kill you in the most painful of ways. But for now, I still have some hope. It’s a slim hope, but it’s still hope. Like Andy Dufresne said in the Shawshank Redemption ‘Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.’

My trusty sidekick Dr. Jonas Von just reminded me that right after Andy Dufresne spoke those beautiful words, the character Red responded with ‘Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.’

So I just reminded Dr. Jonas Von that he could shut the hell right up.

Misconception #5 – The Most Practical Way to Kill A Narcissist is By Shooting It in the Face With Your Gun or Crossbow Inside Its Mouth.

Totally not true! Other weapons that can be used in no particular order are;

1) Pick Up Sticks rammed through a narcissists ears and straight into their brains. Very simple for low IQers

2) Telling a narcissist that everyone will think they’re the world’s greatest human if they participate in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, but then you fill the bucket at the last second with acid that melts their faces off. It will be like the end scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark, which by the way makes no sense. The bad guys were going to lose anyway. Think about it? There’s no point to the movie. Indiana Jones didn’t stop them from getting the Ark, and they still had their faces melt off. He could have stayed home watching The Milton Berle Show, and the same thing would have happened. But Steven Spielberg had to take all our money…. Because he’s a narcissist posing as an innocent nerd. Don’t get me started on the movie ‘The Terminal.’

3) Using a Bruce Lee special kick that pulsates the narcissist body sooooooooo hard that their heart explodes on contact and erupts like a volcano of blood through their mouth and ears and sometimes even blows their head right off too.

4) My personal favorite is injecting the narcissist with Gout. I know you’re probably thinking that Gout isn’t an injectable virus, but you’re so wrong. I’ll spare you the science on this one because you’ll get super bored, but this shit works. Have you ever heard of a narcissist that had Gout? Exactly! Non-narcissists who struggle with Gout don’t have this issue, as getting an old-timey disease doesn’t affect you’re already low self-esteem. However, for narcissists, Gout changes their mental DNA to the core. All of a sudden they begin to doubt themselves and since they don’t know how to deal with that,  and their brains just explode…… JFK wasn’t shot in the head by Lee Harvey Oswald…… Gout! Huge government cover up by the way if you haven’t heard about it yet.

Misconception #6 – A Narcissist Can be a Good Friend, Family Member, or Spouse to You For Your Whole Life and Will Be There When You Need Them Most.

SO NOT TRUE!!!! OMG! BEING TRIGGERED SO HARD RIGHT NOW BY JUST READING THIS…. MUST BREATHE.  I THINK I’M GOING TO THROW MY SEGA GENESIS THROUGH THE WINDOW. OH GOD! MY TRUSTY SIDEKICK AND PSYCHIATRIST DR. JONAS VON IS ANNOYING ME AND WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THIS. GIVE ME ONE SECOND. WHY AM I STILL YELLING?


REAL CONVERSATION WITH MY PSYCHIATRIST DR. JONAS VON – START

DJV: Chad, whatever you do, don’t throw your Sega Genesis.

Me: I would never. I play Tecmo Bowl every day.

DJV: Let’s talk it out.

Me: I don’t wanna right now. Leave me alone.

DJV: What happened?

Me: OKAY! I got a text from my brother telling me that he got a promotion at work, and I congratulated him, and then I told him I got a book deal to write a book, but I didn’t tell him what it was about and then he said, ‘sure you did, just like the time you got financing for your Nightmare on Elm Street Fan Fiction Film’, and I hate him so fucking much that I want to throw him down a slide of razor blades and then douse him with a bucket of iodine.

DJV: How did it feel saying that out loud?

Me: Meh, but I don’t want to talk about this right now. I’m angry still and I have to finish this misconception list, and I know the next one isn’t going to be as good as the others, but I have a feeling I’ll finish up strong.

DJV: I’ll be here if you need me. Well, I’m going to a movie, but I’ll have my phone with me, so text me if you need me.

Me: What are you seeing?

DJV: La La Land

Me: La La Lame

DJV: Hey!

Me: Sorry, I’m projecting. You’ve so slowed me down and I need to get back to this super awesome list.

REAL CONVERSATION WITH MY THERAPIST DR. JONAS VON – END


Misconception #7 – Deep Down, Narcissists are Insecure and Have Low Self-Esteem

I bet you think this is somewhat like the first misconception, but that’s where you’d be wrong by the size of a narcissists ego. In truth, narcissists are just assholes who think they’re awesome.

There was the time that I told Morgan Buckley that he’s a huge loser for thinking that Avatar was a superior film to The Matrix. And he tried to be all like, James Cameron and CGI, and I was like you don’t know shit about filmmaking you narcissistic loser. And nobody likes you and everyone talks behind your back and calls you a ‘know it all piece of poo, who is a braggart, bragging, brag it all.’ And then he said ‘Everyone talks about me’ and it wasn’t a question. He was happy that people talked about him while he wasn’t around. It’s like everything else I said didn’t affect him at all.

Needless to say, I’ve been preparing a special kick to his balls for when the apocalypse hits. No one insults The Matrix like that and gets away with it. NOBODY!

NON-MISCONCEPTIONS AKA REALITY

Only Fact #1 – Reading This Blog is the ONLY Way to Survive the Narcissist Apocalypse

Were Bruce Lee’s kicks so fast that while filming a scene in ‘Enter the Dragon’, they had to re-film it in slow motion so that it wouldn’t appear fake? TRUTH!


If you or a loved one you know battles with Trauma (PTSD/CPTSD) from a current or past relationship with a Psychopath, Sociopath, or a Narcissist, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.


This post was created with the help of Grammarly.


 

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