Anyone who says they like vegetables should not be trusted. And for those of you who claim that a vegetarian burger tastes exactly like a real hamburger, then you’re just stupid liar or just plain stupid. Take your pick cause they both suck.
Vegangelicals spew their nonsense to anyone with ears, but have these losers noticed that vegetables only taste good when they’ve been seasoned with some good old-fashioned salt or sugar in some form or another. I mean, I love vegetable tempura, but we all know that it’s the deep fried batter that makes everyone come back for more. And before I move on from this point of contention, have any of you eaten a salad without dressing on it? Case Fucking Closed! Drops mic.
The worst part of garbage tasting vegetables is that they’re actually good for you, and without them, you’ll just feel like crap and die at a very young age. I knew a guy that didn’t eat vegetables his whole life, besides french fries, and he died from malnutrition at the age of 28. True Story. So yeah, eating vegetables sucks the big one, but we need them so our bodies get all the vitamins and nutrients we need to fight the narcissist dominion. In my experience, the most efficient way to consume vegetables for the sake of your taste buds, (Through thick and thin crust pizza, those cool dudes will be there for you until the bitter end. Lame joke!) is by making smoothies with the addition of antioxidant natural sugar fruits, like blueberries. The awesome news about using blueberries? They mostly get rid of the vegetable taste and color. However, there are vegetable exceptions to the rule, like when you use beets. At first you think that blueberries are winning the taste war, but eventually, the beet aftertaste lingers, and then when you go take a shit later in the day, you may think you have some sort of disease cuz it looks like you’re bleeding from your ass pretty bad.
And now without further adieu, here are some of the many benefits of vegetables:
Increased hand speed, which means more powerful punches.
Unblocks receptors in your brain, giving you the ability to problem solve at computer-like velocity.
Elevated brain blood flow that allows your whole body to ‘sync,’ giving you 100% use of your brain power, which enhances your supernatural abilities, i.e., magic, mind reading, non-violent communication.
Kills your bodies ‘infectious dead cells’ that cause low self-esteem, which makes you as cool as this awesome movie idea I had about a horror movie version of Jumanji, meets narcissist warriors, meets shitty people, meats death.
Encases your skeleton with a protective bubble-like giant force field
Your skin looks great, and everyone thinks you’re super hot, which causes distractions when needed. On the downside, it makes blending in hard, so when on reconnaissance missions, disguises are essential, especially beards (ew, beards).
Due to all of the fiber, you’ll shit lots more, which makes you much lighter and faster. So think of your self like a race car. The lighter you are, the faster you go, the more opportunities you have win the race. And isn’t winning this war all that matters?
Now put all the vegetables in a blender, with some blueberries and almond milk, press smoothie, and it’s all good.