Chad The Impaler’s Narcissist Facebook Reconnaissance Mission Report Notes That Are Written Really Well For Others To Read.
If we are going to take down Mark Zuckerberg, then we must know his movements at all times. Fortunately for us, I have acquired deft skills over the years in the fields of tactical observation, breaking and entering, computer hacking, improv, and relationship building. Yes, that’s correct, not everything in our missionis within the law, and that’s because war is dirty sometimes. If you’ve got a problem with that, maybe you should stop reading this right now and continue to live in The Matrix, like that weasel dick, Cypher, who made a deal with Agent Smith. Let me tell you something, narcissists like Cypher get what they deserve. Also, Joe Pantoliano aka Joey Pants, who played Cypher, is a wonderful human in real life and was very patient with me at last years comic-con when signing all twenty of my Matrix Action Figures when he didn’t have to.
I went off on a major tangent there like usual, but for those of you that are still reading this, good on you. Your eyes are on the prize.
Now from my latest online poll, most of you wanted to know what I did on my initial reconnaissance mission?
All I can say is, great question! First, I made a phone call to my old friend Ramon, who at one time was the best Counter-Strike player in the world, and is now working in Silicon Valley at some startup that makes your life easier somehow. I forget what it’s called, but they pay him well, and that’s all he cares about because he’s saving to build a bunker in the desert when the world goes to complete narcissist shit. In his off hours, he’s been making friends with people that work at Facebook and asking them tons of questions about Mark Zuckerberg and where he likes to hang out. Unfortunately, my friend Ramon feels so pressured by his job, and his narcissistic family, that he gets super high on ‘medical’ marijuana after his workday is over. And due to his self-medicating, he never remembers anything he’s told, and he never writes any of it down because that would look super suspicious, and I don’t blame him for any of this because I’ve been there, and he’s my brother in arms. Does that make me an enabler? Maybe. But it also makes me a loyal as fuck friend when you need me the most. Boom!
So I got into my car and drove for a couple of days until I made it to Ramon’s place in Palo Alto. I got there while he was at work, so I used that time to drive past Facebook Headquarters in Menlo Park and took as many pictures as possible of all the entrances and exits. I made sure I wore glasses, a mullet wig under a baseball hat, and a fake mustache just in case they had facial recognition technology. In this area of the world, you can’t be too safe when it comes to your identity. They pretend to be good people around here, but most of them are sociopathic narcissists that wish everyone had RFID brain chips implanted into them, so all your privacy was taken away. Don’t you love the sharing culture these altruistic pieces of garbage have given us?
When Ramon got home, we high fived really hard that our hands almost blew up because it was sooooooo awesome seeing each other as he doesn’t come home much due to the fact that he was born into a coven of narcissists and doesn’t want to be near them. Then he blazed a joint and got really high. However, I did not partake as I had to be focused on the task at hand. Then he texted many of his Facebook employee friends to meet us for drinks at Adventure Time Trivia Night, and they all said yes. SUCKERS!
These fools had no idea that Ramon couldn’t stand the sight or sound of them, and he was using his brilliant Improv skills to charm the pants off them so we could infiltrate the Zuckerberg Facebook inner circle of trust. Ramon and I both took classes at our local Groundlings Improv Theatre during our high school years as a way to help build up our self-esteem and self-confidence due to our challenging upbringing. I will admit, Ramon picked these skills up faster than I, and his life is a little more secure than mine at the moment because of it, but we’re still good buds, and he’s an anti-narcissist just like me. Once you’re in the club, you’re bonded for life. Ramon rules!
At trivia night, Ramon introduced me to a whole slew of narcissist scum and I played the character of Mark Zuckerberg’s Biggest Fan Boy. I even made a MARK ZUCKERBERG TUMBLR page to show them as to why I needed to write down some of the information they were freely giving me for my blog. I was also was trying to press them about how to get a job at Facebook due to my excellent coding skills, which are top notch, and were self-taught by the way.
These dummies didn’t know what hit them. They were telling me where Zuckerberg works out (Planet Fitness), to where he gets his Vegan Protein Shakes (No Whey!), to where he walks his dog (Palo Alpo Park), and even where he LARPS (The Forests of Gaviscon aka Eleanor Pardee Park), that’s Live Action Role Play for you non-gamers out there. Supposedly he likes to play the role of the Kings’Magician. Yes, that makes him more powerful than the King. What a narcissistic dick.
When we left the bar that night, besides being drunk on life, Ramon and I were busting our guts because of how easy it was to get these marks to talk about their supreme leader. Then we smoked a big fat joint for medical reasons and watched a Luke Cage Marathon until we both passed out. Getting high was acceptable at this hour because it was right before bed, just if you were thinking I was a big hypocrite or something. It was kinda like a reward and nostalgic at the same time. It was just like old times.
Ramon’s alarm woke me up at 5 a.m. which wasn’t cool but that’s when everyone in Silicon Valley is expected to get up because they’re considered non-efficient if they aren’t at their desks at 6. What a terrible way to live. Humans weren’t supposed to sit at desks all day, and we’re such a disappoint to ourselves. Anyway, I guess it was good that Ramon got up so early coz then I could test out my reconnaissance spots.
I went to Planet Fitness first and took the membership tour. I asked a lot of questions about what machines Mark Zuckerberg uses, and they said they heard he was big into the lat pull machine, but that was only a rumor because no one else was allowed to be in here when he worked out due to all of his sex groupies. He said this place becomes like Fort Knox for 30 minutes a day because Zuckerberg’s home gym has been under constant repair after his wife caught him having an affair in the workout room and it won’t be ready until she thinks the smell of his cheating has been wiped clean.
So yeah, Planet Fitness seemed to be an excellent spot for assassinating Mark Loserberg, but I’d have to hope that his house was still under repairs. If so, causing a little cherry bomb diversion could easily create a ruckus and give me a free shot at getting Marko down for the count. My recon work was starting out on the right foot, and I was super psyched about it too.
Next stop was ‘No Whey!’ and this lead totally sucked and turned into a dead end. The info I was given last night wasn’t as strong as it seemed and I shouldn’t have trusted that marketing executive, as they’re always telling you what you want to hear. They’re born fucking narcissistic liars. Like Bill Hicks says, if you’re in advertising and marketing, go kill yourself.
I got really dark there and I’m sorry for the blanket statement, but it’s kinda the truth. Also, I don’t condone suicide, so if you’re thinking about taking your own life, please call your local Suicide Prevention Hotline. Anyway, Zuckerberg now uses a bulk delivery service to cater his office with Protein Shakes every morning and charges it to the shareholders. Can someone say lawsuit? I’ll definitely call the SEC about this one. Once a thief, always a thief.
And just when I thought my recon info couldn’t get any worse, the dog park info was out of date as well. It turns out his dog died after a beastiality fantasy gone wrong, and that he told everyone at the park that his died of dog cancer, but according to my Alpo sources, that’s just not true, and that he’s a psychopathic sex dog murdering liar. And his dog’s name was Maurice, and I was told that he was a super cute Chow Chow that made everyone’s day more special when they played with him. Anyone that can hurt a dog, let alone kill man’s best friend, has only one special place in my mind, and that’s H-E-Double Hockey Sticks.
I didn’t bother going to the LARP park because there isn’t another LARPing event for another two months. On the website, they did have the game map, and the layout for the Wizard Lair though. I’ll still need to do more digging on this spot, but at first look, it’s prime for a strong ambush coz I’d be in costume the whole time, and there won’t be too many eyes in the sky, not counting eveyones dumb smartphones.
For the most part, that was solid Narcissist Facebook Recon if you ask me, and I had to finish up part one because I needed to get back to my real home. So I said goodbye to my old friend Ramon, and reminded him to get me the Facebook headquarters blueprints, as those were key for the mission too. I felt pretty sad that I had to go because Ramon really gets me, and in a way, is one of the witnesses to my life. There’s a loyalty between us that’s unspoken. But I had to get back home, I missed Dr. Jonas Von, which kinda shocked me coz I kinda hate him too. But I was really excited to show him all the info that I had collected. Life’s funny that way.
Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!
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This post was created with the help of Grammarly.