PSL-Induced Anxiety Disorder: The Price of Pumpkin Spice

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Oct 17, 2018 | Anxiety, Fake News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

You love the Pumpkin Spice Latte. You might deny it to your dying breath, but truth be told, you want nothing more than to have that warm, milky cinnamon and nutmeg drink grace your pallet. Unfortunately, you also know how much everyone loves to hate on this heavenly autumn beverage.

But you just can’t help yourself: the Starbucks siren beckons, wooing you to order the delicious, diabetes-inducing drink. So you get the courage up. You walk up to the counter. There’s a line, of course, because there’s always a line. You decide to browse Instagram while you wait. And what’s the first post you see? The most basic of basic girls you know is posing with her #PSL because it’s officially #sweaterweather. 

“What can I get started for you?” The barista asks, her eyes silently judging you.

You chicken out.

“Grande caramel latte,” you say. A compromise. It’s still a latte. But it’s so not the latte you wanted.

“It’s easy to talk about hating the Pumpkin Spice Latte,” said Starbucks barista Jessica Ingalls. “Everyone expects it. All you have to do is say, ‘Ha, Pumpkin Spice Lattes. White girls, yoga pants, and the Nashville filter; am I right?’ You get instant approval for comments like that. What’s much harder is admitting you like Pumpkin Spice Lattes.”

Nowhere is this clearer than in the Pumpkin Spice havens themselves.

“Basic bitches,” said Kyle Santiago as he sat in the corner of his local Starbucks sipping what he claimed was a flat white, but smelled suspiciously gourd-like. “Look at them in their Uggs and their knit hats. It’s still sixty degrees outside!”

“People just need to accept the truth about the Pumpkin Spice Latte,” said Santiago’s friend, Ella Spencer, who was not, in fact, wearing Uggs. “While it may be considered the most ‘basic’ of all beverages, it’s still delicious.”

“It’s more important than ever that normal people accept the Pumpkin Spice Latte as an important part of their fall routine,” suggested Dr. Leo Wellington, a scientist at the Institute of Research for Cultural Coffee Trends. “If it can gain acceptance and integrate into cultural circles outside of spin classes and ‘wine and painting’ nights, the world will be far better off.’”

He suggests being open and honest about your love of Pumpkin Spice Lattes on social media. “It’s not about being basic – it’s about enjoying something that’s fucking delicious. So go ahead, Instagram a picture of yourself with your latte. Just make sure you’re not wearing something stereotypical.”

Instead, he believes the best way to get counteract Pumpkin Spice Latte shaming is to pose with your drink in less-than-expected ways. “Instagram your latte while you’re wearing a death metal t-shirt, or, I don’t know, while you’re bungee jumping. It’s the only way we’ll be able to overcome the stereotype of associating the Pumpkin Spice Latte with other basic things, like Sex and the City marathons and saying the word ‘literally’ in every other sentence. Together, we can make the PSL stigma disappear.”

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Image: Denise Mattox

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