I haven’t mentioned going out with my friends very much since my journey started, and that’s because I haven’t been going out with people so I can stay focused. In particular, I haven’t been going out with a specific set of people, even though I love them, because when they all get together, drug taking will ensue. And with the collective crew having fun, it would be hard to resist. But this week, my attempt to not be sick and tired anymore got challenged by a different person.
I have one friend that battles addiction problems whom I speak with whenever he needs an ear, and like me, he was on the wagon and doing well. He was coming to town for a wedding and needed a place to stay one night, so I happily obliged. What I didn’t see coming was that at the wedding, my friend would have too much to drink, and then buy a bag of cocaine after.
I was happy to see him when he got here, and I found his drunkenness amusing, as he was doing some spot-on imitations of people we both know. However, my mood kinda changed, when he went to the bathroom twice in a relatively short amount of time, as when he came back that second time he was sniffling pretty bad. Did he think I was that stupid and wouldn’t notice what was going on???? Geez! Then he started talking a mile a minute. I mean, there was zero covering up the obvious here, and I bet he thought he was being pretty sneaky too. Addicts are so dumb sometimes. HA! My one issue now was, should call him out on it?
One part of me was jealous that he was doing it and wanted to join in. The other part of me looked at this as a challenge, and I’d be stronger for abstaining. If I was to call him out, one of two possible things could happen. Either he’d feel really guilty and shitty about himself for hiding it and bringing it into my home, or two, I would join in and take his shame away, only delaying his shame until the next day, as he’d feel terrible for being a part of my wagon jumping.
In short, I stopped myself by thinking of the shame and letting that feeling sink into my body, and it felt disgusting. So like a champ, I went to sleep at my friend’s disappointment, and when I awoke 7 hours later, my friend seemed to have just had fallen asleep and was not going to be waking up any time soon. At this point, I assumed he’d be passed out until his train left later in the day, and that catching up and hanging out wasn’t going to be in the cards, and I was right.
Was I an enabler in this case? Probably. But I was doing it as self-preservation as this situation could have taken me down with it too. It’s kinda like helping a drowning person and then have you both drown because their weight just became way too much. I think I did the right thing; however, I feel like it’s getting harder to stop myself.
Even though I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, I’m also becoming sick and tired of being responsible, like in this instance, and that’s not a healthy place to be in either. I must figure out how to let loose in another way before it’s too late. Any suggestions?
Thanks for following my adventure of Being Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. If you have any questions, I’m just an email away. Also, if you want to read from DAY ONE, CLICK HERE!