Sorry for the delay and missing last weeks post for this Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired blog, but if you’ve been following me from the beginning of the journey, you know that over the last little while, drug cravings have crept back into my life and I’ve done my best to abstain. However, last week I just didn’t have the self-discipline to stop myself.
I went to a summer party amongst friends/a, and it seemed like I was being offered drugs by everyone there. This is why I’ve done my best to be a hermit since I began this journey because drug use just seemed to be so prevalent amongst many people that I know and it was safest to be unsociable. But it’s the summer, I was feeling lonely, and I wanted to see my friends, so I went to an ‘adult-like’ party, but everyone was doing teenager like things. Two people were barfing from too much drinking at 10 p.m., so if that’s not very high school, I don’t know what is. I guess this is what happens when parents finally get a night off and possibly most of the day from their kids?
After seeing so many people letting loose, it was hard to resist the festivities as I was constantly being asked, and eventually, I just gave in and took part. Yes, at the time, I did have fun doing it because I got that feeling that I was also being bad. I’m pretty nice in my day to day life, so it feels good to feel bad if that makes sense? However, as soon as I got home and couldn’t sleep, I began to think negatively about myself and how much I just fucked up. 3 a.m. turned into 4 which turned into 5, and I think I finally fell asleep, but I really was just probably lying there with my eyes closed and my mind racing. My body didn’t get the rest it needed, and when I opened my eyes around five hours later, it didn’t feel like any of me got the rest I needed. I was devastated about what had transpired, and it sent me into a downward spiral which is why I didn’t make a post last week.
Everything in my life suffered this past week too. It felt like the whole week became a catch up on sleep. My brain wasn’t working creatively, and I didn’t feel like doing any stitch of work at all. At the age of 41, my ability to bounce back was not what it once was, and I felt like a giant piece of shit times a thousand and kinda still do. A lot of it is the disappointment of working so hard and coming so far, only to slip up and feel like I’m back to square one.
I know I shouldn’t be too hard on myself, but it’s difficult to not be right now. I’m worried I’ll fall down a rabbit hole and it will get worse before it gets better. And I also feel like a fraud. My positivity has been drained. The realization that I need to be extremely healthy by never have any cheat food or exercise days is becoming more evident to me now. There’s no in-between for me. I’m an addict through and through.
To battle this, I’m going to do my best to surround myself with friends and tell them how I’m feeling, but in the grand scheme of things, I know I need to get my body injury free so I can fill my time by getting high on exercise endorphins and positivity. It’s just frustrating that my body is still having pain from over-exercising and I can’t do anything about it. Having free time can be the biggest enemy of all. Now I’m just rambling, so I’ll just stop writing now.
I’m in a bad place as you’ve just read, so If you have any positive messages, I’d love to hear from you because it would really mean a lot to me right now. I’m struggling, and I need your help. After all that positive momentum, I’m back to being sick and tired again.
Thanks for following my adventure of Being Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. If you have any questions, I’m just an email away. Also, if you want to read from DAY ONE, CLICK HERE!