My emotions are all over the map, and it doesn’t feel like I can do anything about it right now. I’m just being triggered by everything, and it sets my mind on avoidance mode. Does that happen to you? My daydreams are my best friend’s over the past week, and it’s provided me with the escapism I need to cope while I avoid life. It’s like when I go on vacation for two weeks and don’t even open one work email. HEAVEN!!
So the biggest trigger I had this past week, was when I was given unsolicited advice from my father. He said, and I quote, “you could stand to lose another five pounds.” LIKE WHAT THE FUCK! DID I RUN OVER HIS DOG OR SOMETHING? He just felt like being a dick. He continued with “maybe you should walk faster when you get your steps in.” THIS IS WHY I HAVE BODY ISSUES!!!!!
I have a great poker face, so I just did my regular silent routine and got away from this toxicity as quickly as I could. In my mind, the police should have been called, and a chalk outline of my dead body should have been taped off because this was now a murder scene. That’s what those types of words do, they murder you.
I thought my whole diet and exercise thing was going well, and now I’m asking my friends if they think I’m fat every chance I get. A big shout out to my cousin for giving me the empathy I needed when we went to breakfast on Saturday. LOVE YOU! And I ate pancakes just spite my dad, and they were super tasty too.
I know you’re probably wondering, why didn’t you say anything to your dad? And the answer is, there’s no point. He’s not going to change, and I’m not going to waste my time and energy on trying anymore as it’s been frustrating for way too long. I can only work on how triggered I get when this does happen, but it isn’t easy, no matter how hard I try.
Now I’m kinda feeling guilty for writing this because my dad is actually a good guy, he just has some moments that aren’t that spectacular. I think one of the reasons I don’t get angry out loud these days is because I feel bad for him. Getting old isn’t fun, especially when all of your friends are dying, and the ones that are still left are mostly sick with things like, Dementia, Parkinson’s, etc. I’d be a mess too if all of my friends started dying. I most likely wouldn’t take it out on other people, but I’m an empath.
Being an empath has its strengths and weakness,’ but I’d rather be an empath than an asshole.
Where was I before the dad tangent??
Triggers? Whenever I’d check my website rankings this week, and see how far this site has fallen since August 1st, I get triggered in a massive way. It’s a necessary evil I must do every day, but it’s like I’m sending myself into the line of fire without a bulletproof vest on. I’m like my own masochist.
FYI – I did date someone once who was into the BDSM scene, and I figured out pretty quickly that I have no tolerance for pain, especially slapping. I have sensitive skin. And also, I don’t like hitting people, even if they want me to do it. If there was a BDSM for inner pain, I’d be a master, but alas, there’s not.
So what did I do to make myself feel better after getting triggered out? I hung out with my married friends with kids about three times this past week and just thanked my lucky stars I wasn’t them. OH, HI JORDANA!! I KNOW YOU READ THIS!!!
So to recap. I get triggered easily by body image comments. This website triggers me just by existing. I don’t like BDSM. My friend Jordana is pretty cool even though she’s married and has kids. And thank god I’m not married with kids or I’d become a non-functional adult-baby-man. I just wouldn’t be able to deal.
That’s it for now.
Thanks for following my adventure of Being Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. If you have any questions, I’m just an email away. Also, if you want to read from DAY ONE, CLICK HERE!