I was going to write about being assaulted last week, but surprisingly, my week got worse. YAY, ME!!!!!! There seems to be a sign that says sucker on my forehead, as I had three people ask me for a loan this week and because of it, I battled my inner angels/devils, and none of them were right.
SIDENOTE: Going back to being assaulted. I was walking to work at 7:30 am, and a person snuck up behind me and punched me in the back of the head. The volume on my headphones were turned to the max so I couldn’t hear anything, and because of that, it was quite shocking. But I’m okay, as he didn’t punch very hard. SIDENOTE OVER
Now back to the other story. Three different people asked me for a loan this week. Two of the people needed help paying rent or face eviction, and the other just didn’t budget well before their next pay period. Two of the Three people have a very high probability of never paying me back, but my inner critic didn’t seem to care, even though it kinda did? ME AND GUILT ARE BEST FRIENDS!!!!! WHO WANTS TO SEE THEIR FRIENDS EVICTED?
Even though I’m not made of money, this isn’t the first time people have asked me for some monetary help. I’m an empathetic person to my own detriment sometimes….. all the time. I have this inner demon that tells me I’m a jerk if I don’t help people. However, it’s also painful for me if I help people because I’m also hurting myself, through my empathy and guilt. It’s like I’m in a tug of war and a no-win situation.
So because I’m an idiot, even though I couldn’t afford to be one, I helped all three people out, and then felt ill after each one of them. UGHHHHH!!!! I was mad at myself for giving in so easily, and I felt like easy prey. There’s a lot of shame going on here, and it’s hard to free myself from it. I was manipulated a lot when I was younger, so it’s tough for me to stop being me because my natural instinct is to think that If I don’t help this person, they won’t like me. It’s an internal and eternal struggle which I thought I had control of, but it turns out I still don’t.
Now how will I feel towards one of these three people if they don’t pay me back? Obviously, it could endanger our friendships, so I hope everyone is honorable. If not, the truly evil me might show up, which will be scary for everyone involved. I DON’T LIKE THE PERSON I BECOME WHEN I GET MAD BECAUSE IT’S SO FOREIGN TO ME. (Why did I write that in all caps?) I tend to get really pissed off if I feel disrespected, which takes an awful lot………because as I said before, I’m used to being manipulated, even by myself.
I guess this is what I still attract in my life and I’ll have to reassess why it keeps on happening……..and if I’m okay with that?
Now I’m gonna try and not overthink things, or it will literally make me useless. Time for a Netflix and Vegetative State Evening.
Thanks for following my adventure of Being Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. If you have any questions, I’m just an email away. Also, if you want to read from DAY ONE, CLICK HERE!