It’s another week in my proper exercise/diet life, and everything is still going well. I’m running every day and eating pretty healthy with the occasional cheat meal. All this positivity is feeding into having an abundance of energy to help build this website and see where it goes. However, sometimes I fuck something up and this week was one of those times, and it’s all my fault. I’m kinda reeling from it a little and feeling pretty damn shitty too. I may need a hug.
Let’s begin with the idea that I’ve had for a specific blog on the site which I call ‘The ADHD Photographer.’ I’ve had this idea for awhile about these moments in a person’s life that were special/memorable days, but due to a persons ADHD, something happened that screwed everything up. I wanted to make this blog category about the pain, shame, guilt, etc. that a person battling ADHD feels, yet no one else can see or understand what they are actually going through. The photography aspect would be showing what the person actually was doing instead of where he/she/they were supposed to be. It would be humorous and heartbreaking. I wanted every reader get a glimpse and hopefully, offer those battling ADHD some empathy.
Finding the person to create this has been extremely tough. We are a mental health site that wants to hire people with those battling specific issues for the issues they’ll be writing about for the job. In theory, this sounds great, but in reality, most people accept the job and then ghost us like we were a bad conversation on Tinder. It’s beyond frustrating, but it’s what we signed up for. YEAH!
Now I’ll get to me fucking up as I’ve now laid out a little bit of a backstory. In these past 2 and a half weeks we found someone to do ‘The ADHD Photographer,’ and I was quite stoked. Ha! I just channeled a California Dude version of my self. Anyway, we met in person and were trading ideas back forth. She was a photographer by trade and could write as well. All was great. As time passed by, she began texting me about more life issues, and it became flirting. Texts at all hours and it was fun. In my belief, we shared the same sense of humor. That means I thought she had a very dark sense of humor, as I do. However…….I was wrong. And I was not just wrong; I was on another planet of wrong.
I don’t know why I thought this was funny, but we were playing a gag and superimposing ourselves into different backgrounds, and I made the mistake of putting her into a picture of a bombing. YES, I’M A SICK PERSON AND WASN’T THINKING! PLEASE DON’T JUDGE ME AS I FEEL BAD ALL READY!
Sometimes I take things too far, and this was one of those times. And boy did I get an earful. I took every punch that she threw at me. She told me how she thinks I’m a sick and disturbed person etc. and all I could do was agree and apologize. In the end, she was no longer going to write and wanted nothing to do with this site anymore.
I couldn’t blame her for it, and I should have known better. The whole experience threw me into a tailspin of guilt and feeling shitty about myself. However, at one point I had to say, why am I feeling guilty?
Yes, I made a mistake. And that mistake was judging my audience incorrectly. I have a dark and twisted sense of humor. It’s not for everyone. Why am I apologizing and feeling guilty right now for being myself? I shouldn’t have to feel shame about who I am and what makes me, me!
I’m still dealing with this and I know I’ll get to the other side of it eventually, but for right now, I’m rattled a little and feeling small, but trying to work out my self-esteem kinks. Hopefully, this won’t set me back on my journey in a negative way, but you never know.
Also, now I still have to find someone to write our ‘ADHD Photographer’ blog again which might be a lifelong journey it seems.
I’m going to take an Ativan and go to sleep now. Please send positive vibes my way.
Thanks for following my adventure of Being Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired. If you have any questions, I’m just an email away. Also, if you want to read from DAY ONE, CLICK HERE!
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.