Airline Scandal Addiction

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Jun 5, 2017 | Addiction, Anxiety, Fake News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

In December of 2016, Tara Donovan of Buffalo, New York, booked a United flight from Toronto’s Lester B. Pearson International Airport to London Heathrow. “I booked my flight before all the stuff about United came out,” she said. “After that poor doctor was beaten up, I considered canceling and going with another airline.”

After United suffered numerous unfortunate events due to mismanagement, including a stowaway scorpion and the death of a famous rabbit, Tara began to see her ticket as a potential business opportunity. “I’m what people call a social media influencer,” she said.

With 1.7 million Instagram followers, Tara has made a name for herself as she travels the world, posting bikini-clad pictures of herself next to famous landmarks.

“I thought, you know, the video of that man poor man getting beaten up went viral. If I could capture a United staff member doing something awful on camera, could you imagine the amount of followers I’d gain? From that moment, I was, like: yes. United it is.”

At 8:05 PM, Tara boarded her red eye flight, constantly on the lookout for foul play. “I had my phone out, obviously. I didn’t turn on airplane mode until the last second. I just had my screen on, ready to record. I sat there for seven hours as we flew over the Atlantic, sure that I was going to be the one to capture the whole scandal on film.”

But then, the unthinkable happened. Nothing.

“My battery went dead while we were over the ocean, so I pulled out my power brick. Even with another full charge, my phone died as I waited for a sloth or a bucket of frogs to drop from the ceiling.”

According to a flight attendant for United Airlines who asked not to be named, most flights go as-scheduled with very few bumps. “People think it’s basically like Snakes on a Plane over here. I can’t count the number of people who have their phone at the ready, just waiting for something to go wrong these days.”

Tara said she actually lost a few followers during her trip to London because she wasn’t able to use Google Maps until she charged her phone. She ended up getting turned around in Soho as she dragged her 80-pound suitcase around, and lost out on half a day of sightseeing and Instagramming.

Dr. Marjorie Scarborough, a psychiatrist at St. Mary’s Hospital in London, evaluated Tara after she was found dehydrated and wandering aimlessly through the streets asking people if she could use an outlet.

“I’m glad we got to her in time,” said Dr. Scarborough. “Airline Scandal Addiction has gripped frequent fliers so profoundly. I can’t count the number of people we’ve had in here because they let their batteries drain on a transatlantic flight. We put them in our recharge room and give them a sandwich, a bottle of water, and a bag of crisps while they wait for their phones to get to one-hundred percent.”

Thankfully, Tara has learned from her trying experience, and she’s traveling the world and trying to raise awareness on Airline Scandal Addiction. “I want people to understand that, sometimes, flights are just boring.”

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

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About The Author

Christie Szymanowski

Christie is the least funny person we know when it comes to conversational humor. However, once you put a pen in her hand, her humorous observational skills come to life like never before. She's like the Jekyll & Hyde for our office.In her spare time, she likes to knit and we don't know much else because she keeps to herself for the most part. Many people at the office think she doesn't really like us much, due to the eerily similar looking voodoo dolls of us that she keeps her knitting sticks in.

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