Frappy Hour Mania

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | May 22, 2017 | Anxiety, Fake News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

RIP Frappy Hour: May 14, 2017 – May 21, 2017

As we say goodbye to another Starbucks “Happy Hour” promotion, it’s time to talk about an oft-experience but little-known anxiety disorder called Frappy Hour Mania. Affecting patrons and baristas, this disorder comes into full effect when Starbucks offers half-price Frappuccinos from three to five PM.

“I love Frappy Hour, but it’s got its downsides,” said Maria Fitch, whose right arm, which clutched the empty container of a Trenta Vanilla Bean Frappuccino with 18 extra pumps of classic syrup, twitched violently. “With Frappucinos back at their regular price, my budget will only allow me to buy one per week. Thank goodness for Frappy Hour. For now, I can afford to go every day.”

According to Sandra Milstein, MD, Frappy Hour Mania affects its victims in a variety of ways, from sugar spikes and crashes to enhanced Instagram obsession and even job loss. “There are people who will leave work early to make it to Starbucks before Frappy Hour ends. Some people just have to get their half-priced drink, no matter what the cost. It’s a serious problem.”

“The new Mermaid Frap on the secret menu is what lured me in,” said Kevin Lang, the assistant manager of a Wendy’s across the street from a Starbucks somewhere in Middle America. “The barista sang her sweet siren’s song. Her name was Renee, and she spelled mine ‘KEHVUHN.’ I didn’t care. The moment that Frappuccino hit my lips, I knew we were made for each other.”

Renee, the shell-shocked barista who’s only worked at Starbucks for two weeks, initially declined to comment. She ran to the back of the store, saying, “Oh my God, no – I’m not talking about that Kevin creep.”

When she called us back later for a follow-up, she told us that Lang had been coming in every day on his lunch break during the entirety of the Frappy Hour discount days.

“He found me on Instagram. I don’t know how. He doesn’t know my last name or anything. But every day, like clockwork, he’d be posting a picture of ‘the best Frappuccino I’ve ever had in my life!’ Like, calm down, dude – I’ve been making them for, like, ten days.”

She filed a PFA against Lang, and he hasn’t posted a picture of a Frappuccino on Instagram since.

Thankfully, Frappy Hour usually only lasts ten days, and most people can return to their normal lives. “Those who are able to stop consuming Frappuccinos every day and go back to having them only once a week, or once every couple of weeks, see a significant improvement in their health,” said Milstein.

Not only do their sugar levels even out, but they manage to stay off of Instagram for ten or more minutes at a time. “It’s hard not to keep refreshing to see if you’ve gotten any new likes, especially since, the more Fraps you post, the less likes you get. People get tired of it.”

“We call it ‘chasing the Starbucks dragon,’” said Milstein. “The first Frap you post – if it’s really pretty and depending on the number of followers you have, you could get upwards of fifty, or even seventy-five, likes. The second, maybe you get thirty-some. Then in the twenties. Teens. By the time the Frappy Hour period is over, you may actually have a post or two that people ignore altogether.”

With May’s Frappy Hour officially over, Milstein hopes people will go back to their regularly-scheduled Instagramming. “They’ll be fine. At least until the next Frappy Hour.”

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

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About The Author

Christie Szymanowski

Christie is the least funny person we know when it comes to conversational humor. However, once you put a pen in her hand, her humorous observational skills come to life like never before. She's like the Jekyll & Hyde for our office.In her spare time, she likes to knit and we don't know much else because she keeps to herself for the most part. Many people at the office think she doesn't really like us much, due to the eerily similar looking voodoo dolls of us that she keeps her knitting sticks in.

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