Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | (S)mothering Timeline Disorder

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Jul 3, 2017 | Anxiety, Fake News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

Sally Rice of Norfolk, Virginia, sought counseling early Monday morning after her son (Brandon, 26) forgot to wish her a happy Mother’s Day on Facebook on this year. Her daughters (Emma, 28 and Kristin, 31) made sure to post to her timeline by 10 AM. Otherwise, her condition may have been far more serious.

“I posted a picture of a Minion with a caption that said, ‘Happy Mother’s Day!’ because I know how much middle-aged women love those things,” said Emma. “He was holding a bouquet of flowers. It was kinda cute, I guess, if you’re postmenopausal.”

Kristin’s was a bit more personal. “I found a picture of me and Mom from when I was a toddler, and then I posted one of us together on my wedding last year. She called me up in tears telling me how much she loved it. Then, of course, came the guilt trip. ‘Why haven’t I heard from your brother yet?’ Like it was my responsibility to keep track of him. I was like, ‘Chill, Mom. I’m sure he’ll call.’”

When she finally received a call from Brandon at 8 PM, Sally was beside herself.

“I know my son loves me, but I want everyone else to know how much he loves me,” Sally admitted. “Lisa from book club has five kids. All of them wished her a happy Mother’s Day on Facebook. Where was Brandon? Probably gallivanting around with that floozy.”

Brandon’s girlfriend, Sara, was noticeably distraught. “Wait a minute – Sally called me a floozy? We’ve been together for almost two years! I told my mom happy Mother’s Day on Facebook. I don’t deserve this.”

Psychologist Martin Shields, who studies social media trends in people over 50, said that middle-aged and elderly women are the most likely to experience anxiety when their children forget to mention how important they are on Facebook.

“Birthdays and Mother’s Day rank as the highest level of anxiety for these women,” he said. “All their friends are on Facebook. They’re sort of playing a game of one-upmanship between sharing Minion pictures, wine memes, and sparkly Winnie the Pooh gifs that talk about how much they love their children and grandchildren.”

Shields and his colleagues have unofficially dubbed this mid to late-life social media anxiety disorder “(S)mothering Timeline Disorder .” While it has a profound effect on older women, their children don’t seem to be bothered by it at all.

“Most of these mothers have mastered the art of passive-aggression, but they use it so much that their kids become immune to it. It just annoys them,” said Shields.

At 4 PM on Sunday, Sally posted a status update and tagged her two daughters in it: “Thank you, Emma and Sally, for the THOUGHTFUL words! What a GREAT MOTHER’S DAY!” Between the hours of 4 and 10 PM, she posted a total of 12 Mother’s Day pictures and status updates.

At 9 AM Monday morning, Brandon finally caved and posted a picture of Will Farrell saying, “Ma! The meatloaf!” on her feed with absolutely no context.

Sally was not impressed. “Maybe next year he’ll think about the woman who brought him into this world and can just as easily take him out.”

This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

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About The Author

Christie Szymanowski

Christie is the least funny person we know when it comes to conversational humor. However, once you put a pen in her hand, her humorous observational skills come to life like never before. She's like the Jekyll & Hyde for our office.In her spare time, she likes to knit and we don't know much else because she keeps to herself for the most part. Many people at the office think she doesn't really like us much, due to the eerily similar looking voodoo dolls of us that she keeps her knitting sticks in.

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