In a completely unexpected turn of events, a parole board has granted 90’s mega-villain OJ Simpson early release from prison as early as October.
“I never thought this could happen,” said 90’s kid Josh Sears. “OJ’s murder trial is the first major news story I remember – that, and the whole Clinton sex scandal. The fact that this dude’s in the news again? OJ, come on. I’ve been dealing with the effects of your criminal activity my whole life. Just go away already.”
Sears claimed he woke up Thursday to the news plastered on every social media platform he uses. “I couldn’t get away from it. On Facebook? There’s OJ. Reddit? OJ. Twitter? OJ fucking Simpson. I can’t drink orange juice without thinking about Isotoner gloves. I can’t even watch the glass slipper scene from Cinderella with my kids without thinking about him trying to get those damn gloves on.”
Law historian Dorothea Parkinson said of the parole decision: “When Simpson was convicted of stealing sports memorabilia in 2008, it reminded me of how they finally got Al Capone. Well, this sort of turned the tables on that comparison. When you get Al Capone on tax evasion, you don’t let him out for good behavior, do you? No. You let him rot in prison until he dies of stage three syphilis.”
“He wrote a book called If I Did It! What more of a confession do you need? This guy’s had more breaks than a Kit Kat Bar,” ranted Facebook user Jess Costanza on Thursday.
Psychologists are calling this social media anxiety disorder “OJ Dismay,” and they doubt that it will go away anytime soon.
“OJ Simpson is like herpes,” said Dr. Irene Messer of the Institute for Psychological Disorders in an interview. “He may die down for a while, but he never really goes away. And even when he does, remnants of him remain. The Kardashian clan wouldn’t be such a big deal if it weren’t for Robert Kardashian‘s defense of OJ back in the 90’s.
“OJ’s murder trial has umbrellaed into so many other scandals, which, in turn, give people tons of anxiety. It becomes exacerbated on social media,” Messer continued. “Most recently, you’ve got the whole Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna thing. Honestly, I don’t think the world goes more than a few weeks without a Kardashian or Jenner scandal. And it all comes back to OJ.”
Besides staying away from social media, Messer admits that there’s no known cure for OJ Dismay at the moment, and has serious doubts if it will ever fully go away.
“I know he’s seventy at this point, but even he kicks the bucket in the next ten, twenty years, you’re going to have Kardashians and Jenners ad infinitum.”
When asked for the best way to actually get away from the effects of OJ Dismay, Messer shrugged nervously and said, “Move to Siberia and live among the reindeer? That’s all I’ve got for you.”
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