In 1989, a genius named Tim Berners-Lee stood on the shoulders of his internet predecessors and invented the world wide web as we know it today via his hyperlink invention. It was the beginning of a revolution that was supposed to be for the greater good. And for a while it was. I remember the glory days of dial-up service and deep diving the internet looking for as much information on a captive alien named Kryll that was supposedly being held in Nevada at Area 51. I loved the rush I’d get from first Prodigy Sex Chat Rooms and then eventually using ICQ and asking for everyone’s a/s/l? (That means Age, Sex, Location, for all you people living under a rock at the time or weren’t even born yet.) It was a glorious time of connectivity and being able to conduct fantasy football pools and having the stats automatically tabulated for the very first time. But now, now it’s all different.
These days the internet is all about the individual and the look at me, look at me, over here syndrome generation. Somehow a great invention got into the hands of that pasty looking shithead, Dirty Mark Zuckerberg, society was never the same again. All people cared about were themselves. How they looked, what they ate, where they were partying, and what they did all day long. All of a sudden people were their own TV shows, and billions of narcissists were born.
As mentioned in previous posts, I was born into a coven of Narcissists, so being around these types of people was commonplace to me, and I knew how deadly they could be to the other living organisms that share the world they inhabit. And it was due to the emergence of this Narcissist type, and how they easily the essence of the internet itself, that I knew I had to help the world by creating this handbook before they destroyed the physical world too.
If this sounds depressing, it is. Life is just depressing, especially when an outside force that might have once been your friend is wreaking havoc on your self-esteem. So I’ve compiled a list of on how to spot a Social Media Narcissist, so we know which one of our former loved ones to target during the great war. Lets hope we can turn them back to their old selves again, because as of right now, they’re being total social media narcissist losers. Here are their traits you should recognize upon immediate onset.
The Selfie Specialist
I’m sure you’ve heard everyone in the world complain about people taking selfies incessantly and you don’t want to listen to it anymore, but I have to mention it because it’s one of the ways to spot a Social Media Narcissist. I’m sorry but not sorry in this one. I’m just trying to save your life. SUE ME! Now back to the traits. Sometimes I wish, and by sometimes, I mean all the fucking time, that either phone cameras were never invented, or that someone invented a phone camera that actually captured the selfie narcissist inside the phone and would trap them there until they were fully rehabilitated. And if you’re having trouble imagining what I mean by this, think about the Ghostbusters sucking a ghost into that little boxy contraption, but then also think about the original Superman Two, when those three assholes get sucked into that mirror looking thing and float in space. Anyways, enough about cameras, Narcissists love changing their profile pics all the time, and it makes me barf, and most of their other photos are just of themselves too! They’re so desperate for any admiration that all new photos tend to produce a spike of interest that gets their crotch juices really going. My use of crotch there was meant to be gender neutral for all you asshole PC Narcissists out there.
If you know someone that’s constantly browsing social media sites every second of the day, like a guy I know named Jesse, and you’re not doing anything else because you have no life, like Jesse, then it’s a big sign that someone is a Social Media Narcissist. How is this a sign that someone’s a narcissist you ask? It’s because these jerks, aka Jesse, are seeing if anyone is posting anything about them or responding to anything they’ve posted. They want smiley faces and likes so badly that it consumes every waking moment for them. Also, Jesse is my “friends” real name and I don’t care that anyone knows this about him because he’s a shitty comedian who is now telling a joke about me shitting my pants at a party 5 years ago, and it’s not even close to the truth, and he needs to apologize for it now, or we’re never gonna be friends again, and I will most definitely take my liberties with your physical health once this war begins. Also, are all comedians Narcissists? Even the good ones? Are they all annoying in real life and don’t know when to stop using your friends as a sounding board for all your jokes that suck? Do you people reading this know a Jesse too? Aren’t Jesse’s the worst?!!!
Social Media Wars
Do you know individuals who love being the center of attention sooooooo much, to the point that they’ll start arguments on social media at every chance they get? Sometimes these Narcissists don’t even believe the bullshit they’re spewing as they just want to be controversial. Don’t you just want to wrap your hands over their necks and pop their heads right off their bodies? We all know this type of person, and they’re just the shittiest of shitty narcissists. Sidenote: Doesn’t this remind you of Nelson Mandela? What a fucking Narcissist that guy was. Supposedly he died due to malnutrition because he was on Facebook for like 25 hours a day, causing trouble by posting Alex Jones videos and just forgot to eat.
Sometimes there are certain things about your life that should be left off of social media so you can maintain some sort of privacy, or so you would think. But not for social media narcissists. NOOOOOO! They’ll share everything about their lives, and even air some dirty laundry too. If you happen to be in a relationship with one of these creatures from hell, you’ll know that when things are going good, you’ll get some sweet love professed to you for the whole world to see. This is usually accompanied by a photo of you two embracing just so everyone can write ‘AWWWWWWW! So lucky. Such a cute couple!’ However, when things are going the other way, like when my friend Paul was in the doghouse with his same-sex partner Raoul, and Raoul posted a picture of Paul, saying how affected their relationship had become due to Paul’s childhood abuse issues, when it’s not even your story to tell or share, you fucking piece of shit Raoul.
So, Um, Paul is too nice to do anything about this Raoul, but I’m not too nice, and you’ll wish that you were never born, Raoul. Don’t fuck with my friend’s motherfucker, especially a level 10 wizard in Dungeons and Dragons, like me and my old buddy Paul.
The Liars Club
Most Social Media Narcissists love to show how awesome their life is so they can make you feel inferior. And that’s the point of many things they post, and it doesn’t matter if any of it is true. Lying is like breathing to them. So please, never believe that the Mercedes they’re leaning on is theirs and never believe Jesse that the sold-out comedy venue he’s performing at was ever sold out. Odds are it was a free show that he was never even headlining. I’m not saying we all don’t embellish things, but narcissists will lie about everything until it becomes a full-blown addiction.
*Now that we know the traits, let me say that the Social Media Narcissist is the easiest type to turn back into a regular person. So below I’ve left the specific treatment for those that want to help fight the good fight.
Killing Mark Zuckerberg, then all other Social Media Platform CEO’s is a sure fire way to end this epidemic. If that fails, then we must destroy the internet as we know it. I will provide a plan on how to accomplish this in a later chapter. It’s not easy, and I will need lots of help if this becomes our last line of defense. If you think you can help and are either an electrical engineer or really good at murder, please email me with your resume.
Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.