I hate to use a sports analogy for all of you that hate sports so much, and I understand why, as you probably weren’t very good at them when you were younger and never got picked on teams, and were most likely called a homo cause people are assholes………or you’re just a girl who just hates sports with a passion. Either way, let’s say you were playing football, and you were a quarterback like Peyton Manning, who loved watching game tape of the opposing team so you would know all their sneaky ball intercepting moves. However, because you are now like Peyton Manning, minus the goofy face, you now know all their dastardly tactics, you can spot their moves before they even break into them, and now you’ll be able to have a clear path to kill Mark Zuckerberg with ease. (If Killing Zuckerberg Doesn’t Make Sense To You. Click Here.) Here are some Narcissist Manipulation Methods or Weapons that I’ve compiled so we can avoid overtime and win this game for the hometown crowd.
One last thing before I begin this list of methods, let me just say this about these two-faced narcissist gremlins, they’ll stop at nothing in their attempts to manipulate you to their needs and that’s why we have to be prepared and unmerciful when the time calls for it.
Always remember, we don’t matter to them in the grand scheme of things, so we shouldn’t care about what we’re going to do to them even though it’s almost impossible not to. They’ve had us on puppet strings for so long because we’re too good of people not to care about others and that’s why they go after us in the first place and that’s why we’re so easy to manipulate. Never forget that we are loving and lovable people who deserve the best and even though we’re about to embark on some pretty graphically violent adventures, we’re all the coolest and best people we know. BOOM!
Real Conversation With My Trusty Sidekick Dr. Jonas Von
DJV: Your positive outlook on being a lovable person is quite a breakthrough. Are you dating someone?
Me: It’s quite possible.
DJV: Is it that woman who works at the comic book store?
Me: That’s also quite possible.
DJV: Why are you being so shy?
Me: Cause you know how I am about this stuff and now you’re triggering me, and I’m feeling very apprehensive about it and kind of embarrassed. Did my siblings pay you off or something? Did they?!
DJV: OMG! I’m so sorry. I’m the worst psychiatrist ever and I’ve broken your trust.
Me: You’re my sidekick.
DJV: I’m your psychiatrist.
Me: Just say you’re my sidekick and it’s all water under the bridge. You dig me?
DJV: I’m your sidekick.
Real Conversation With My Trusty Sidekick Dr. Jonas Von Over
I got sidetracked there. Here are those manipulation methods I promised like a dogs year ago.
If someone starts telling you how amazing you are and all these wonderful things about yourself, like how one day you’ll most likely solve the ebola crisis because you’re so smart, or how kind you are to the homeless lady with no fingers when you brought her that cup for her change, or how charming you are at parties especially when it comes to entertaining the people who don’t know anyone else at the party………at this point you should start thinking, finally someone has taken notice after 20 years, I love this person. But that’s what they want you to believe. Narcissists are so evil!
In reality, you should be thinking, is this person building me up only so they can rip me down from the pedestal they’re putting me on? Have they sucked me in enough that I now value their opinion as the gospel?
When they do try to devalue my ego now, the fall will be that much harder. It’s like getting invited to an all-girl orgy, and maybe one transexual because I’m feeling very experimental these days, and then disrobing and everyone being grossed out and I’m not allowed to participate. That’s what narcissist do! They’ll begin to take all of those positive things and then devalue them by insulting and critiquing those parts about me in which they built up. The sarcasm that drips off their lips while I’m being told ‘Oh, what a KIND person you are CHAD for HELPING that HOMELESS PERSON. You are SOOOO GOOD.’ Listening to this causes me such pain that I now understand how someone can temporarily go insane. And in this case, I hate my siblings so much that I’d love to dunk their heads into a deep fryer at the local KFC. Fuck them and the finger licking good chicken shit they rode in on. NEXT!
This one might be one of the worst things ever and you need to just walk away when you see this forming. When someone you know brings in an outside person (it’s a person you most likely know) to validate the way you’re being poorly treated or other actions of ill taste that may have occurred, just turn your head and walk. Don’t look back and also don’t fault the third person because they’re just under a snake-charming spell too. It happens to the best of us, and one day, that third person will figure it out and come calling you to apologize. And don’t you dare be a dick to them. Accept their apology and hug it out because you’ve been there and it fucking hurts and you’re the only other person that gets it. By the way, you’re welcome, Pete. Now let’s get our sweet ass revenge.
‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.’ is the famous quote and in this case, as soon as someone you know starts playing the victim card for the second time, maybe you should start thinking this is a common theme, and quite possibly not even true at all. That’s right, they may be making up these stories because they’re liars and they just want to get you on their side.
My boyfriend tells me he thinks my hairy armpits are gross she once said. I gave her hugs because I felt bad that she’s living with an anti-feminist I then said. Then he was a racist. Then he said terrible things about our friend group. Then I started realizing that the wool was being pulled over my eyes, but I didn’t realize this until it was too late. Someone outside of our friend group mentioned to another friend of mine that I was also against hairy armpits too. How could she?!!! I felt so dumb.
Victim playing! They pull you in for empathy, then they spit you back out. As soon as someone pulls the victim card a second time, be wary. On number three, disappear like a dessert on a fat kids plate.
Oh, hello? Did someone say gaslight? Because this type of manipulation method can drive someone to extremes. From murder to suicide, this one can land you in jail, in the looney bin and six feet under. I know this one is dark, but so is narcissist manipulation. FACT! Like the time my former friend and gaslighting narcissist, John Feinberg, told my mom that his dad fingered a lady when she asked him if anything was new. He said that to MY MOM! I didn’t even think that she knew what fingering was but it turns out she’s been around the block a couple of times and might have parked a lot too.
The next day at school when I asked him what the fuck was wrong with him, he denied that it ever happened. Then our mutual friend, Ron, who was there to witness everything, became his Triangulation partner and totally told me that it never happened. Was I going crazy? It seemed like I was and the only other person to corroborate my story was be my mom and there was no way I was discussing fingering with her because I was already supremely traumatized. It’s now over 20 years later and I saw John at a 7-11 last week, and while I was fake pretending I was interested in how his kids were doing, he brought up how he never told my mom the fingering story. WHY BRING IT UP? WHY?!!! He just knows it kills me inside and that he got away with it. FYI, to explain why he said his dad fingered a lady, it’s because his dad was a gynecologist by trade. I’m not making this shit up. I can’t wait to kill him during the great war. He’s a first-round pick.
So to sum this part up, as soon as the narcissist tries to tell you that real life events that 100% occurred didn’t happen, punch them in the stomach and run away. Don’t kick them because if you hurt your foot you won’t be able to run. If you run into them again, say that the punch 100% didn’t happen and that you lost your phone or you changed your phone number and that’s why you never called them back.
Have you ever thought to yourself, if I don’t do what my friend wants me to do, then I’ll disappoint them or maybe even have failed them? Then you have all this guilt that’s weighing you down, so to avoid these feelings you do anything and everything your friend asks of you? This means turning a blind eye to some terrible behaviour, like knocking change out of a blind homeless persons’ hands, or maybe even calling the police to report that your aunts jewelry was stolen by a member of the wait staff at your wedding, when in reality you had it all in a bag and threw it out by mistake. Yeah, if you went along with all that shit, then you’re fucking brainwashed because that shit ain’t cool and now you’re an asshole too.
As soon as someone asks you to take part in an immoral act or hands you a shovel, just remember, one day that shovel may be for you, so run away as fast as you can when you spot this one. And pray to any god, even if it’s a porcelain one, that you’re free from this form of evil and you’ll never be under its spell again.
Vive La Resistance!
Want to know how Chad the Impaler came to be? Click Here!
If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.
This post was created with the help of Grammarly.