Spring Breakdown Anxiety

Posted by Christie Szymanowski | Apr 16, 2018 | Fake News, News, Social Media Anxiety Disorder of the Week | 0 |

Cancun. Key West. Punta Cana. Nassau. These places have a lot in common. Miles of white sand beaches and warm ocean waters. More bars than you can count. And most importantly, a tropical climate with endless hot, sunny days. While the rest of us had to suffer through Mother Nature’s wintry wrath, there were a lot of lucky college students on Spring Break recently sunning their buns and beating up their livers.

“When I looked out my window, all I saw was snow. The sky was gray, and I could barely remember what the sun looked like anymore,” said Kevin McNeil, a junior at Boston University. “My body was practically screaming for vitamin D. Just a couple more months, I would tell myself.”

McNeil continued, growing angrier by the minute. “When I went onto Facebook (because I’m always on Facebook), and I started scrolling through my feed. What did I see? Photos of people in tank tops, shorts, and bikinis. Lounging on a beach chairs. Sipping Bahama Mamas with an ice bucket full of Coronas parked next to them. Just a couple more months. Just a couple more months – damn it! I can’t stop thinking about how there were people eating fancy nachos and getting fanned by cabana boys, while I was sitting right here.”

When asked why he didn’t join his friends for Spring Break, McNeil had the same answer most college students give.

“I live off of ramen and popcorn,” he said. “You think I can afford to go anywhere on Spring Break? Nah… I’m going to be bussing tables at Red Lobster while all my trust fund friends go party in Mykonos.”

McNeil isn’t alone. This envy is often experienced by college students who are left behind during Spring Break.

“This social media anxiety disorder is called Spring Breakdown,” said Dr. Kelly Weathers of the Institute for Seasonal Affective Disorder. “It’s most likely to affect college students who either don’t come from money or who aren’t comfortable racking up a couple thousand bucks on their credit cards to go on a week’s trip of sunbathing and binge drinking.”

“If you think Facebook is bad, you should see Instagram,” said Heidi Chapel, a sophomore at NYU. We interviewed her while she sat huddled under a blanket with a giant mug of coffee. “Facebook filters are nothing compared to Instagram filters. You can make the already impossibly blue waters of the Caribbean look like fucking sapphires. I wish I had sapphires… Maybe then I could afford a trip to the Florida Keys.”

According to Dr. Weathers, while Spring Breakdown Anxiety can be a difficult disorder to deal with, it won’t last forever. “Before you know it, all those obnoxious and beautiful beach pictures will be gone. It will warm up, and you will be able to go outside without wanting to die.”

“If nothing else,” she continued, “You’ll get to live with a great sense of moral superiority. While they were puking their guts out into the Gulf of Mexico, you were building character.”

“I don’t want character,” Chapel scoffed as she stared into her piping hot coffee. “I want a fucking vacation.” 


If you or a loved one you know is having any mental health struggles, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.


This post was created with the help of Grammarly.

Photo Credit: John Solomon


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