Dating’s fun. I needed to be knocked down a few pegs. From lack of matches on Grindr to fake numbers in the club – I think I needed this. I met a straight boy- at a gay club- and we went for drinks. I tried to flex my “I’m older than you” muscles by covering the bill. But the bill was $200 and I had to close my eyes handing over my card while I did a short prayer that my card wouldn’t be declined. When I didn’t even get a kiss (Or a call back) I realized I’m probably just old. Cool cool cool. Not even safe in a gay bar from the heteros (read: haters). Those bloodsucking vampires will do anything for a free drink. Even fake laugh at my jokes for the best of 2 hours before taking a (probably fake) call with a friend emergency and a morning shift. Like, pick an excuse.
So I stumbled back to the gay bars for fresh pickins with lower (read: more realistic) versions of what my league was. And that’s when I saw her. Big and stalky, covered in fake everything with too much makeup with size 16 paws. A Drag Queen for the ages. Hairy, unkempt and mildly dressed as a femme. Like, if a lumberbear could put on lipstick and could stand in stilettos. Does that make me straight? Am I bi if I would fuck a guy in a wig? I wonder who would bottom…. I gave her (him?) my number with a drink on it – this time bought on Credit. He said to see him after his stage show. It was a messy number including chugging beers and whipping off his wig. I was still into it. But maybe it was the tequila. I wonder if I’d seen him before- as in, what he looks like out of drag. But I’m a gold star gay bear and would love to see what it’s like to fuck a “girl”. I bet he would take it, for gender roles sake.
When I woke up the next day with his number in my phone with a bunch of “Squirt” bearmojis I was like omg. It’s real. I’m not even sure if he was hot – but I’m willing to spend upwards of $100 to find out.
Now that I have another date in line, I feel like I’m finally back on the field. Spending cash I don’t have on dick I won’t get. But I feel like a boss. A boss that needs to hit the gym and stop loving on donuts like they’re my side ting.
I need a new Instagram aesthetic, and well-taken dick picks (note to self: look up lighting and angles). People don’t even use headshots on dating apps anymore. I need to grow up and get with the times…. And get my very own Netflix accounts so that my mom’s “suggestions” don’t show up when I’m having guests over to “Netflix and Chill”…
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