The Addictionary of Oxford English | Blender

Posted by Sir Alexander Johns | May 14, 2017 | The Addictionary of Oxford English | 0 |

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Definition of blender (noun) in English:

Blender


NOUN

1 [noun] A person or thing that mixes things together, in particular an electric mixing machine used in food preparation for liquidizing, chopping, or pureeing.

“’A blender is perfect for a bender.’ That’s what I used to tell my Blendtec clients in Kemptown. I’m not sure what they appreciated more, the frozen margaritas, or the inevitable romp that was sure to follow my demonstration.” – Oxford English


Blender Quotes about Oxford English

“I met Oxford English back in ’82 when he was working as a traveling salesman for Blendtec. First, he tried that, ‘A blender is perfect for a bender’ line on me. I’m straight as a bloody yard stick, and I’ll do over anyone who says otherwise! I nearly socked him in the face for calling me that. I’m an upstanding, God-fearing, red-blooded Englishman, thank you very much! I nearly slammed the door in his face, but he stopped me and said it could blend anything. ‘Anything?’ I asked. ‘Anything,’ he assured me. I told him that’s a load of bollocks. So I grab my keys out of my pocket and stick ‘em in that godforsaken blender and turn it on. Thought it’d just jam it up; you know? Well, turns out you’ve gotta make sure the lid is on tight. My keys go flying out and pelt him in the eye. Served that tosser right.” Daniel Boothe III (Stick-up-the-arse Tory voter #478,277)

“Oxford and I actually hosted the original ‘Will it Blend?’ for Blendtech back in the ‘80s. We almost got Channel 4 to pick it up, but in the end, they passed. We ended up on Public Access Channel 92.6, The Moggy. It was out of the Isle of Wight at 4 in the morning.  We probably should’ve seen the writing on the wall with this one. People wanted to see their shit get thrown in a blender. They weren’t all that interested in hearing it. We ran three shows before we got cancelled for a program called ‘Mr. Moggy’s Stupendous Singalong Show.’” Cordelia Munt (Blendtech Spokesperson, 1984-1992)

“Oxford English… I remember him. That bloke could sell a rickshaw to a cabby. He made the best frozen margaritas. Had a boot full of blenders everywhere he went. He was married, if I recall correctly. Said his wife was this dainty, nagging little thing. I wonder if she knew the real reason he liked being a door-to-door salesman.” Holly Hughes (Mistress #62)

“Screw blenders. Blendtec destroyed my marriage. Why do you want to talk about Oxford? You told me you were selling Lularoe! Get the fuck out of my house!” Rosaline English (Ex-Wife #13)


Origin

Person or thing that blends, 1872, agent noun from blend (v.). As a type of electric-powered food processor, from 1942.


Pronunciation

blender /ˈblɛndə/


About The Author

Sir Alexander Johns

Sir Alexander Johns grew up in South Manchester, the son of the neighborhood gossip, until they were exiled, as his mother began spreading false and malicious rumors when all the towns real information dried up. While in hiding, Alexander picked up his mother's chit chatty skills and applied them to a weekly paper he wrote and distributed at his new Upper School, called 'Bollocks.' Circulation in his first year reached a whopping 1000 copies a week, and he was quickly the most loved, yet hated, person on campus. Alexander's exploits and new found wealth got him accepted into Oxford University where he majored in English and Creative Writing. He recreated his weekly newspaper, this time calling it 'Suck My Bollocks', for the University crowd and it quickly became the National Enquirer of the Oxford world. Money began pouring in. However, the Oxford Elite were not impressed as they were now subject to the same gossip as his previous school and administration. After his first semester, Alexander was quickly dismissed for breaking many school ethics laws about Libel, Slander, and Wire Fraud. Soon after his dismissal, Alexander became obsessed with causing a stir and wrote his first book. It was the Unauthorized Biography of Elton John entitled 'Fat Drug Addict.' It became a huge smash hit and caused a major ruckus in the inner circles of London High Society. He followed that up with an even bigger hit, the Unauthorized Biography of Margaret Thatcher called 'The Many Men in Margaret's Thatch.' He has since written over 20 Unauthorized Biographies and sold over 120 million copies around the world, and was knighted by the Queen of Denmark, in return for never moving to or writing about any member of Danish decent.

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