One of the worst feelings I have is when I look into a mirror and think that I’m fat. I start nitpicking body parts, like my lack of a neck, my belly, my hairy chest, my flimsy arms that are not as large as they should be compared to my torso, and the list goes on and on. Deep down I can try and convince myself that these negative thoughts aren’t real, but my excessive exercise, mirror checking/avoidance, diet changes, stomach sucking, say otherwise. When all these things are happening at once, and have taken over my day, my life has become the equivalent of a horror film, as The Demon Of Body Dysmorphia readies itself to feed off my rich beef/fat content.
The definition of Body Dysmorphia is when you think about real or perceived body flaws for hours each day. Even when others are telling you that you look fine, your negative thoughts spiral out of control and can cause you severe emotional distress and possibly interfere with your daily functioning. Some people who battle Body Dysmorphic Disorder may miss school or work, or isolate themselves by avoiding social situations because they fear others might notice their flaws.
For me, my body dysmorphia causes a lot of guilt and shame. You’ll rarely see me without my shirt off. If I go swimming, it will be with no one else around. I just don’t feel like being judged, and I can’t stop thinking that everyone is nitpicking every part of me. About seven years ago, I was brave enough to start going shirtless in my backyard, and a friend’s friend made a comment about the hair on my chest by saying ‘well that’s unfortunate’ and I’ve been back in hibernation ever since.
One day I’ll have to tackle this issue head-on, but for now, I’m content with sharing my story and baby stepping myself back to being vulnerable around the people I trust. Anyway, that’s enough from me right now, and If any of what I’ve said resonates with you, then I’m giving you all virtual hugs right now, and I hope you enjoy my self-loathing self-portrait too.
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If you or a loved one you know battles with any Mental Health Issues, please do get the help you need. If you need to talk to someone now, you can talk to one of the many fantastic therapists at Better Help by CLICKING HERE.